Scripture:

July 5: 1 Chronicles 6, Psalm 4, Matthew 6

Observation:

4 Be angry, [7] and do not sin;
ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent. Selah

It's hard to read this verse, and not take time to let it soak in.  It always stops me dead in my tracks as I hastily (all too often) scurry through the text.  What a different world this would be if this commandment were followed.  I'm not one to fly off the handle and lose my temper.  No, I don't often lose my temper--instead I keep it close, coddling it throughout the day, lending it my strength to keep it around awhile longer.  It doesn't have much staying power...provided I don't feed it.  This text says to take some time and 'think it out', ponder on it, and then let it go. pretty strong advice.

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? [14] 28 And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, 29 yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31 Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 33 But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

I really want to think that I'm not a worrier.  I really do.  But  I can't convince myself of it.  I don't pace and wring my hands...I don't fixate on the negative, or fear the worst.  I just don't.  I think most people who know me wouldn't consider me a worrier at all.  But I'm not so sure.  I think my anxiety, rather than concentrating on one situation, just dispels itself evenly throughout my whole life...poisoning it all only slightly.  And then it builds slowly.  It so gradual that I don't even realize it's building-to subtle to discern.  And then i head off for a vacation, and about day 4 or 5 I'm myself again, and I realize how far from the real me I am most days.  It's a pretty horrifying realization, actually.

Application:

well, my first application is to stop coddling anger...that one's important, but not central in my thoughts.  it's the second application: to, with the help of the Lord, trust the provision of God...knowing that he'll care well for me--always!  every night before I go to bed I pray for my son, asking the Lord that my son will know that he's safe, and to rest easy, because daddy will make sure, no matter what, that he's safe and that he'll have all that he needs...always!  The truth is, I'm making a promise that I can't actually keep--but my heart just can't keep me from making it again and again, every night.  The same promise is made by God to me, his son.  Only he can keep it.

Prayer:

Lord, I love you.  I love you.  You are so faithful!  Thank you for your amazing provision.  Not just of stuff, but of all things.  You are good.  You are trustworthy.  Praiseworthy.  Help me to trust.  To praise.

I surrender again to you today, Lord.  You are my king.  I am yours.

amen.

The whole day of the party I was worried about going. I called Mommabear at least 3 times throughout the course of the day and told her that my body wants to go and is FINE with going to the party but my brain is not. Or it's like I have angel of happy, good, fun times on one shoulder and the ANXIETY-PANIC-FORCE-YOU-TO-FAINT devil on the other shoulder. The devil overpowers the angel 9 out of 10 times.

Of course Mommabear exclaimed immediately that I better get to the counselor (which she has been saying for 10 years) but then she also said there is no reason not to go to the party and I better not stay home!

Well, I didn't stay home. I went. Strangely I didn't feel one ounce of panic or anxiety while I was driving, walking to the party from the car, or when I got to the party. There was only one second when I felt nervous for just one moment and that was when I crouched down for a second and my sprained ankle had a sharp pain run through it. I sat down right away and I was okay because the pain did not increase (luckily)....but imagine it did??

Well, let's not imagine what would happen if the pain increased...that's what I NEED TO DO. I need to stop pre-worrying about things. If they happen...they happen. I can't pre-control the situation and I can't make myself upset in advance.

I'm sure if I went to see a counselor that's what they would tell me and try to teach me how to deal with. My problem is that I really don't want to talk to someone. I want to just live my life NORMALLY without having to go to see someone every week, or 2 weeks, or month. I'm even willing to take medication but I do not want to sit and talk to someone. I told Mommabear this on Friday and she said I need to talk to them along with if they gave me medication. She said I have things I have to work out internally and that's what they would be there to help with.

Of course I am stubborn and I childishly said to her that I am willing to take medicine and I want it to cure me of my anxiety...yes folks, I want a little miracle pill. Don't they make those? They must!

I'm mad at myself today for staying up soooo late last night that I couldn't get up until 12:30. But you know me. I hate going to sleep at night. So I stay up and work on my blog, my hobby, and putz around the computer all night while listening to music. Then when I'm so tired that I'm falling asleep in my desk chair then I go up to bed and pass out immediately.

Late last night I left a voicemail for GI GUY on his cell but then this morning I got a message back from the cell provider saying the voicemail did not go through. I don't understand why unless it as to do with them not having cell service right now...who knows. But the point is that I left a message for him. I wasn't ever going to do that...I was going to wait for him to reply to my email from last Sunday and take it from there but I couldn't help it. I just wanted to so I did. I'm not playing games I decided. If I want to call then I will. If i want to write an email then I will. If I want to write 10 emails then I will do that as well! I won't sit here and wonder if it's a "sign" that my voicemail didn't go through. It's NOT. It just MY LUCK.

I DO hope he gets some some internet time this weekend and replies to my last email. I guess I need to understand how I want to behave with the whole situation going forward. I need to decide what will work best for me.

So, to summarize...I stepped out of my recent issues with needing to be in the comfort zone, I survived perfectly fine, I don't like to go to sleep at night and I wasted my whole morning sleeping and sitting in my PJ's on the computer ----> but I'm okay with it.

Im sitting here again
Another Sunday morning
Trying to figure out just who to be
I cant keep going on like this
Ive got to break away

Whoah, whoah
Everything Ive said is over
Whoah, whoah
I cant take this any longer
Whoah, whoah
I need to get out of this zone
Whoah, whoah

I hope you see where Im coming from
Its time to make a move
Change my fate
Let go of all the things that feed my complacency
Dont wanna be a wannabe

No more wasted days anymore

Comfort Zone - Everyday Sunday

(I never heard of them before but the lyrics went well with how I was feeling.

Our little "Stitch", Dixie.

Our faithful friend, Happy.

Recently, a friend shared with me that she thought it was a little too soon to take their toddler on a vacation trip that would be a couple hundred miles away. Her fear was that the baby would cry for the duration of the journey and in the end be totally traumatized by the whole experience. In the end...baby did FINE and Mom was traumatized...by worrying over nothing, lol.

I am a mom and know how this works first hand, so I am here to say 'Worryers of the Parenting World Unite!' then let your children experience life :)

Photo by Shannon Bailey. I may be standing in the shadows here, but I'm not hiding.  I'm simply enjoying the Mayan ruins and cenotes on my trip to Mexico, exactly 3 years after the incident below.  This was a trip I'd always wanted to make, but would I ever have done it--and so much more--if I hadn't learned to trust--in others, in the Universe, in myself? 

Sometimes you look back in your life and see turning points—hopefully ones for the better.  Some are big and obvious.  Others? Not so much.  One of my clients asked me how I learned to trust again after my divorce, and I remembered one of the earliest epiphanies I wrote about in the very first of the Third Degree Diaries, Life in the Third Degree.  Back then, I was still very broken and so wanting to put my life back together.

In some ways, it’s hard to believe where I was then, emotionally.  Four years ago, I didn’t think I would ever trust anyone again.  I had just come out of a miserable marriage and didn’t trust anyone—most of all, I didn’t trust myself.  But I did come to trust again—sometimes well-deserved and other times not—but ultimately,  because I was willing to let myself trust again, I have moved forward to a really wonderful life as an independent and serene woman who can find joy in an ordinary moment.

This is the story of one such turning point—the first of many--in my path to becoming happy.

From Life in the Third Degree, by Lorna Tedder, copyright 2005.

Sometimes Spirit uses an unusual medium to send us a message, but usually—for me, anyway—that’s required to get the point across. When your child’s doctor calls personally with bad news, you listen to every syllable.

My older daughter had been complaining of back pain on and off for several years, but with high school freshmen expected to lug 50-pound book bags throughout the day with no time for locker stops, we chalked it up to a textbook case of back strain...or a case of textbook back strain. Over a year ago, I took her to a chiropractor, who told me her head was on backwards and gave her some pain relief, though we finally dropped him when we’d had enough of his Christian proselytizing—and that was without him even knowing I was Wiccan.

A few days after my divorce was final, I learned for the first time that scoliosis is very prevalent in my ex’s family and was surprised to find out just how prevalent. The family had kept it quiet from me. I took my daughter to our family physician, Dr. Matthew Dorman,  to have her checked out in mid-December. He prescribed physical therapy, pain meds, X-rays, and his usual funky dose of surfer-dude humor.

After Christmas, I was taken aback when I got his explanation that the X-rays showed some surprises—an injury probably attributable to a stupid kid who jumped on her back at basketball camp when she was 12. This meant tests, evaluations, and orthopedic specialists. And worry. I did the typical mom-thing and panicked. We talked about the unlikelihood of several worst case scenarios, and I felt a little better. After all, Dr. Matt Dorman is one of my favorite doctors ever (my dentist, optometrist, and obstetrician being my other favs) and I’ve trusted my family’s health to him for a long time. I respect his opinions and his holistic approach, but still, we were talking about my baby. So, of course, I was fretting like a madwoman.

Then he dropped the bombshell. Five little words. Totally unexpected, but they knocked me off my feet. I sat in my living room, cell phone glued to my ear, blinking as if he’d chanted a Latin exorcism to me.

“Let me worry for you.”

He repeated it several times, but once would have been plenty to get my attention. Granted, Dr. Dorman has a great bedside manner and it’s very typical for him to soothe a patient like this, especially an angsty mother, but still, that phrase stunned me.

I’ve had doctors tell me not to worry, but I’ve never had one offer to worry for me. In fact, I realized at that moment, I’d never had anyone offer to worry for me. I have wonderful friends who have worried with me on many occasions, but never a soul to offer to worry for me. Never anyone who offered to take that kind of burden from me. I didn’t realize until that moment how much I’d missed that and needed that.

I also didn’t realize until then how far I’d gotten from trusting anyone, particularly a man.

Whether it was a professional medical opinion or a personal relationship, I had a hard time putting my faith in the male gender as a result of the last few years. I had tried to put my faith into working through my marital problems and had done everything I could think of to make things work, but as my best friend often said of my ex whenever I cried on her shoulder, “He never fails to disappoint.” I’d seen far too many colleagues do exactly what they felt was the unethical thing to do because they thought they had no choice if they wanted to get promoted and gosh, they felt bad about leaving me to take the hit for them but it just couldn’t be helped. I’d watched close friends back away from me because their spiritual leader told them they couldn’t associate with me and they didn’t have the balls to stand up for themselves, much less for me.

There just don’t seem to be any men in my life right now with a good track record, and that’s something I’m going to have to work on—not fixing their disasters or cleaning up after them but simply picking good guys to be in my life and be deserving of my faith. It took me a day or two, but I actually did set aside my overwhelming need to worry and trusted that Dr. Matt Dorman—gasp! a man!—was worrying for me and I didn’t have to. Yes, it’s crossed my mind a few times that I may be a fool to put my child’s health in anyone’s hands. Then again, he’s the healer and healing is a gift that has eluded me.

I understand the message from Spirit: to learn to trust again and take that leap of faith that everything will work out. If a man had shown up on my front doorstep and whispered, “Trust me,” I probably would have run him off with the lance above the door and maybe never worked through the “trust issue” at all. This message came to me in a way I couldn’t ignore: through my daughter’s pain instead of my own.

The most surprising thing of all is how good it feels to let go of the worry.

The only Zen you'll find on the top of mountains is the Zen you bring with you.

Robert Pirsig: Author of Zen and the Art of Motorcyle Repair

No matter where you go, there you are. Although this might seem like an ancient riddle and a very confusing concept, this is another of life's intriguing laws that once learned can help you navigate its swirling waters. Modern society has us programmed to look outside ourselves to find happiness and unfortunately, this has us "Looking for love in all the wrong places."

No matter how much you acquire in life, you can't escape who you are. No material item or secluded getaway will ever free you from yourself. If you're looking to find beauty and peace, then you must first be able to appreciate the beauty and peace that is inside of you.

On the other hand, if you are determined to feel bad, nothing is going to look appealing to you. If you are determined to be mad, nothing will put out the raging fire inside of you. In the end, it is you and you alone that hold the key to determining how you see and interact with the world.

This is when taking personal responsibility for your existence comes in. You have to be willing to look at your thoughts and actions and relentlessly assess how they are affecting your life. If you want happiness, start taking steps to make that happen.

If this means going for a walk, take a walk. If this means doing something kind to help a love one, then do it. Don't do it because you are expected to, do it because it feels good and you want to continue that honest feeling of happiness. If you keep repeating these positive thoughts and actions, your body and mind will program itself to make these things available in everything that you do.  It works the same way with negative thoughts and habits. If you immerse yourself in negative things, negative people, and negative attitudes, that is what you will feel and experience.

According to the movie, The Secret, our powers of manifestation is what brings our realities to life. Similar sentiments come from hip hop lyricist KRS-1, who once dropped rhymes about how we should be careful about what we think about, because what we think, we attract.

In other words, the way we think directly affects what we see and experience. With this in mind, logic suggests that we can change not only the way we feel, but also the way we live our lives if we are willing to accept responsibility for our thoughts and actions. If we follow this principal, logic also suggests that we are completely responsible for the way we live our lives.

Although at first this may sound like a lot of work and very difficult, following these principals actually frees us from the work of living outside of our code. A man who doesn't lie and doesn't steal is a man who can return a full wallet he finds at the airport because it is not his. He does not care about the money. He feels a responsibility to do the right thing and this is what moves him. This man is wealthy in so many ways, because he doesn't worry about the mitigating circumstances. He just does what he knows is right. This is true freedom.

Taking responsibility for your thoughts and actions will lead you to want you want. By living your Tao, also known as following the middle path, you will free your mind and soul from things that would otherwise keep you from real happiness. You want the best, then believe you are worthy of receiving the best and take daily steps to make that happen. If you want good health, then take care of your body as the temple that it is. If you want to be wealthy, then take stock in what matters to you and then align your thoughts and actions to make it happen and last but certainly not least, if you want peace, then look at what you are doing to achieve it.

Remember that you are what you think you are!   

Wow. The begining of that sentence was almost as bad as the ultrasound technician excusing herself after 30 seconds of my very first ultrasound. She had hardly put the wand to my belly before leaving the room..... I began to pray. My worst nightmare had come true...

I am a worrier. I worry about what people think of me (shallow, maybe, whatever), I worry about what to wear every day (it's commonplace for me to change outfits three times before I find the "right" thing to wear, even if i'm headed to the grocery store), I worry about flying on airplanes, driving with my kids in the car, I worry about blowing up at the gas station. I'm paranoid about our house catching on fire or leaving the oven on or a candle burning.

I worry that I worry too much.

(What a wierd word - worry.) (Alliteration, I love it.)

Needless to say when I found out I was pregnant, I worried. I worried my baby would not have arms or legs. It would come out with its face rearranged like a Picasso painting. The baby would never grow teeth so we'd have to get fake ones put in when it got old enough. The baby would have to live through a feeding tube due to some wierd genetic problem. The baby would be born with its organs on the outside. The baby would be born with every imaginable awful disease known to man. Worst of all, as my ultrasound date neared I became sure that my child would be stillborn. Certainly, that would be the worst thing to ever happen to my unborn child. And at our first ultrasound, there it would be, undeveloping with no heartbeat anymore.

The heartbeat. WOW. The heartbeat. Like horses racing at the Track. Pudadum Pudadum Pudadum Pudadum. That was the coolest thing ever. We had heard it a month before at my very first doctor's appointment. She took a while to find the heartbeat but after searching my entire belly she was able to find it! Joy to my ears, the first proof to me (other than my excruciating morning, noon, and night sickness)...it was my baby saying "hi mom and dad, i'm in here!" Life created inside of me. The heartbeat. 

(Note to Reader: I write "heartbeat", not "heartbeats". Once the doctor found the "heartbeat" we didn't look farther for second beat... why would we? I had no idea I've been dropping multiple eggs.)

So, back to the first ultrasound... I was up all night before our appointment. I couldn't sleep. Tossing and turning, I kept imagining the worse, preparing myself for the worse. I was sure the heartbeat had disappeared, sure that this gift from God had been taken away. Baby had been sent to Hubby and myself as a sign that we were meant to be together and that this long-distance relationship was worth the distance. (We had both prayed for a sign earlier in the month we conceived...God is a funny guy...) So when the ultrasound technician excused herself from the room.... I was sure the worst news was to come.

Well. It wasn't the worst news. As per usual, my worrying was for no reason. In fact, I had worried about just the wrong things. I hadn't worried that maybe there were two babies. In fact, it hadn't crossed my mind other than when friends joked about teeny, tiny me having twins or triplets! "That'd be hysterical. You'd be bigger than a house!", they'd say. HAH. Little did we all know...

So the technician comes back in the room and begins the dreaded sentence:

"Well, usually we wait for the doctor to give the patient this kind of information..." Hubby is holding my hand... "Congratulation kids," she says, "You're having twins!"

I shot straight up from lying down into a seated position. "WHAT?!?!?!?!"

"WHAT?!?! Are you serious?", says Hubby.

"WHAT?! Wait. What?!?!", I say. And start to burst into a fit of the giggles.

When I'm nervous or at inappropriate times (funerals, Mass, etc) - I giggle. I can't help it.

And there they were, our two little peanuts. That's what they looked like: peanuts. All my worrying and there they were, with TWO heartbeats.

Hubby paced the tiny ultrasound room while the techncian (flustered from her find and also from the fact that she wasn't familiar with doing scans of more than one baby) continued to count arms and legs, measure the babies, checked the heartrates, and got us a beautiful picture of our kids. Head to Toe...

Our wild, crazy, unexpected life had just begun.

Do not wear yourself out to get rich; have the wisdom to show restraint.

Proverbs 23:4

We read many stories of people racing after riches and ending up poor.  For example, many lottery winners are expecting all dreams to come true.  However, in reality, most are worse off than before their 15 minutes of fame.[1]  Research also shows that over half of all employees are dissatisfied with their personal financial situation. [2]    This dissatisfaction causes stress that can lead to loss of sleep, less money for self-care, and unhealthy emotions.[3] 

Why do we do it?  Why do we lose sleep over getting wealthy?  Two answers: GREED and SELFISHNESS.  These two reasons are exactly why the Bible pleads with us to have the wisdom to not wear ourselves out in trying to get rich.  The Bible also states,

"But those who want to get rich fall into temptation and a snare and many foolish and harmful desires which plunge men into ruin and destruction."  1 Timothy 6:9

Now don't misunderstand the Bible; it is not only addressing those of us who seek riches through the lottery, buying/selling stocks, or working hard at their job to make a buck.  Proverbs 23:4 also talks to those who wear themselves out trying to look rich.[4] 

"One man pretends to be rich, yet has nothing; another pretends to be poor, yet has great wealth." Proverbs 13:7

This verse looks at the hypocrisy of man.  It shows us how we try to deceive others, and maybe ourselves, to gain honor.  Sadly, this honor is only in the sight of man.  This drive to reach the title of "rich" in man's eyes is not the goal of one who is working to beat debt.  Remember,

"Rich and poor have this in common: The Lord is the Maker of them all." Proverbs 22:2

Since God is in control of the rich and the poor, don't worry about who He chooses to be rich or poor.  Stop wearing yourself out trying to be or look "rich."  Commit to beating debt and live life within your means, being satisfied with how the Lord blesses you.

Discussion Questions:

1.  Have you tried to purchase something to make you look better or richer than what you really are?

2.  How did that purchase make you feel?  How do you feel about that purchase now?

3.  What things in our lives are making us look rich, when in reality we are deep in debt?

4.  What action steps can we take to lessen the financial stress we have in our lives?

~~~

When beggars and shoeshine boys, barbers and beauticians can tell you how to get rich it is time to remind yourself that there is no more dangerous illusion than the belief that one can get something for nothing.
-Bernard Baruch, 1929

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"Withhold not good from them to whom it is due, when it is in the power of Thine hand to do it."  Proverbs 3:27 KJV

Photo by: Ehow.com

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So, I'm about to leave for France and my laptop breaks down. This is not even the same laptop that bit the dust a few weeks before I left Northern Ireland. No, it's official. All computers hate me. Every single one of them. They know that internet access is important, nay, essential for my line of work (and therefore my survival), and they quite simply do not want me to be happy. Or survive, for that matter.

Le Flatmate, being someone who knows a bit about computers, spent my first night in Lyon hunched over my despondent laptop, muttering in French (Le Flatmate, I mean, not the laptop, which was barely managing a stubborn beep by this point) and scribbling technical-looking notes to himself, which might as well have been in a foreign language. On closer inspection, it turned out that they were, in fact, in a foreign language, but translating them into English made very little difference to my understanding of them.

Alas! The laptop does not want to obey Le Flatmate, and must go away to be repaired. It could take weeks, for all I know. This leaves me high and dry. I've managed to track down an internet café, but using it for work is completely impractical because (a) it's so expensive that it would probably cancel out my earnings, and (b) the layout of French keyboards is completely confusing to me, and it's taking me at least twice as long to type anything. It's AZERTY instead of QWERTY over here, and it's making my head hurt.

I have so many amusing travel moments that I want to share with you, but panic about how to do my work is now cancelling out my ability to think clearly. What to do, what to do? I had an extremely wobbly moment last night, exhausted from travel, worried about money, more than a little dehydrated and sick, and feeling very isolated - I didn't realise how much I depended on internet access until I lost it. As I lay in my new room, trying to think calmly and failing miserably, I almost decided to go home. This would be silly, of course. I'll get it sorted out somehow, even if I have to buy a new laptop and clear out my bank account altogether. It'll be fine, won't it?*

I feel a little better for getting that off my chest. Cheers. I even feel up to telling you that I've had several conversations in French! It's a little scary to suddenly try to think and speak in French again after not doing so for about 8 years. I can read it much better than I can understand it being spoken; they speak very quickly, and I find myself pleading plus lentement, s'il vous plaît! at irritatingly regular intervals. Still - they seem to understand me. I'd be enjoying it if I wasn't staring unemployment in the face and picturing myself begging on the streets, playing air guitar for about ten cents an hour. Not that I'm one for being melodramatic.

Blogging may be less regular for a while, for all the reasons here mentioned. If I disappear completely, assume I've run out of money and am doing the air guitar busking thing as described. Other non-computer career suggestions welcome.

*There will be a prize for the first person to confirm this.**

**Actually, there won't really. I'm about to crash into computerless obscurity and pennilessness, didn't you read that bit?!

You are my everything, Victoria. I am so very sorry, that these pooey things had to happen and ruin all our happy plans together. OMG it makes me so mad to think that the countdown was getting so low... and then I had to go make a stupid mistake like that and blow it all.

Sigh.

I seem to do nothing but make stupid mistakes. :(

I really really wish I could be there right now, with you, hugging you as you sleep. I miss that so so much. And I worry about you, I worry that you're not eating enough, I worry that you'll fall sick, I worry that I won't get back soon enough, and it'd break your heart. I worry so much.

You have to be strong for me, darling. Please? I will come back to you as soon as I can, and you can make me drink all the pooey tonic you want. Ok?

I love you, with all my heart.
I really do.

-nuzzle-

Your babyroo,
Eric

I'm tired of living in fear, doubt, and confusion. It is a terrible neighborhood!

I'm moving out; putting in a change of address. Some of - most of - my old stuff I'm leaving behind.

I won't be packing up worry, fear, confusion, frustration, impatience, strife, and doubt. They will be going in the trash.

When I'm tempted to wear one of those discarded garments, they won't be there. Those things don't look good on me anyway. They never did.

Kingdom kids don't dress like that.

What shall I do with my collection of rationalizations? They are carefully crafted, stored, and categorized. I have every color, pattern, and texture you can imagine. Something to fit every occasion. They are even better than the truth! You will oo and ah over each and every selection offered.

While I'm at it, I should throw out that box of old offenses.  Funny how they seem to accumulate.

The new place will not have closets - dark places to hide things. I'm only taking along the things I need daily. I will hang strength on a hook in plain sight and put it on every morning. There will be open shelves for the helmet of salvation, the sword of the Spirit, the shoes of preparation of the gospel of peace, the breast plate of righteousness, and the girdle of truth.

There are so many unopened gifts currently stashed away. The new place will have plenty of room for them.

I must not forget the most important gift of all - love.  That box will be prominently marked "OPEN FIRST."

Oh, how I long to learn Your ways, Lord. YOUR ways! I want to grow tall and strong. And develop strong roots. Then, I shall NOT be moved.

(December 1993)

Matthew 6:34

I am so guilty of worrying.  I worry about everything from what will I eat for breakfast (that is a legit worry here) to my kids safety.  I worry about baseball.  I worry about finances.  I worry about...life.  It is in our nature.  We are worriers.  But friends, the bible tells us not to worry.  That is a pretty hard thing to do, at least for me. 

I have begun to replace my worries with thankfulness and prayer.  I find myself praying a whole lot more lately =)  Instead of worrying about Lily and Riley taking the school bus, I pray for their safety.  Instead of worrying about finances, I am thankful for all that we have right now and pray that He will continue to provide.  Instead of worrying about where we will be tomorrow, I praise God for where we are today.  It has made me realize how much time we spend worrying about tomorrow and things that are out of our control. Instead, be thankful for where you are today.  Be thankful for all the good things in your life today. 

Give thanks to the Lord Almighty, for the Lord is good, his love endures forever.

Jeremiah 33:11

I hate that I've been on the downward part of the roller coaster ride again but such is life. AlwaysKnewWe'dBeFriends said that she's happy I blog about my thoughts here so that the negative thoughts don't spill over into my everyday life. That's a very good point and I'm happy I blog about my feelings as well. It helps me sort them out and I read the posts back later a few times to see where I was then and I how I'm progressing. Even if I had no readers it would help to just get my thoughts out here...it's like a modern form of a diary to me.

Last night I was pretty bummed. Bummed that I'm walking around trying to live my new life and all I can do is think about GI GUY and our little 6 week "thing." Even through the ups and downs during our "fling" I still always fell right under his spell when I saw him in person. I could never get mad at him even though I should have. His life situation made it hard for me to really be upset with him.

So, now that he has been deployed I can't stop thinking about him. I keep trying to figure out why he stays in my head all day long. Maybe because when were with each other things between us felt so right and so unbelievably good to me. We were both going crazy times in our lives and the connection we felt (from being old friends) really made it easy to fall right into each others lives when we both needed those "good feelings" most. It was so easy to like him. And it's so hard to get over him now.

I keep having "flashbacks" memories of him when I walk around my house...when I look at my couch, my kitchen table, my bed, and even my bathroom?? What I find strange is that I don't have these flashback memories of "The-X" as I walk around my house. I wonder what that means?? It' so strange....I know. I guess I had a have a huge crush and I'm having a hard time letting go of him. I didn't even have enough time with him, to begin with, and now I have to let him go.

When I'm all alone is when I think the most. Especially late at night when it's time to go to sleep. It's then that I feel the saddest and loneliest. I sit in my bed with my cell on my nightstand thinking about what I would text him or what voice mail I'd like to leave him (but I never do). I was the last one to write (to him) via email Sunday and I need to be patient to see what he replies when he is able to get internet connection (supposedly cell service isn't working where he is yet, either).

I'm not building my life around him, please believe me, but as I said in my last post: the attention is nice. I can't believe how insane it is to be recently single after a 10 year relationship and then get involved with someone who is now gone for over a year! I wouldn't and couldn't wait around - that'd be crazy insane. But can you believe my luck?? This should have been the summer of love (LOL) but instead it's the summer of 2 losses in a row!

I had a long talk with CapricornSoulSister late, late, late last night and we both solidly agree that this was the best thing to happen to me during what I was going through. She pointed out (and I agreed) that before GI GUY came into my life again I was sad about losing my marriage, my house, and starting my life over. When he appeared out of no where all of my terrible fears and terrible sadness floated away. She and I agreed that I needed him to remove me from the bad place I was in to a world where I felt special, beautiful, loved, sexy, wanted, and desirable. It was a good thing. Now I just need to get to a new good place again.

I got a call from an old friend today who I hadn't talked to in a long time. I thought she was mad at me after not answering 3 emails in a row and some IM's I sent her a while back. She thought I was mad at her for something else that had happened. Crazy hah? Well, she heard from her sister that my MySpace page said I was single and was worried when she heard that and called me to check on me.

I'm glad she did. She went through a divorce (after one year of marriage) about 3 years ago so she knew everything I was feeling and I was there when that all happened with her. I was in disbelief that she was getting a divorce back then...now look at me 3 years later! She gave me good advice and it's refreshing to know that she found someone else that she is in love with and feels the complete opposite of how her relationship with her x-husband did.

We talked for a few hours and everything is fine now. It's always like that when it's someone you've known forever. You can't harbor bad feelings in your heart. You just have to let things go. It's unhealthy not to. It was a crazy misunderstanding and now when I look back I feel so stupid that we didn't talk for so long. But I'm happy that we talked about the misunderstanding and we're back to being "good" that easily. Crazy how these things happen among friends.

Anyway...I hope things start looking up for me soon. Tomorrow I'm going to a July 4th party with CapricornSoulSister and ICan’tBelieveHowAlikeWeAre but I'm a little nervous because I don't know anyone else there. With my horrible increase in anxiety I now get nervous over everything all of a sudden. I SOOOO have to pick up the phone and call those counselors I was referred to. I definitely can't deal anymore and I think I need to be on medication! I need a life free of FEAR over NOTHING...now I feel fear over things I ACTUALLY want to do!

Imagine I start dating and faint on my date from panic? NOW THAT WOULD BE FUN! Reclusive-ness here I come!

PS: Now how funny is this? I just wrote above that I hope things start looking up for me soon...then 1 minute later AlwaysKnewWe'dBeFriends said she wanted me to hear a new band. She said they had a song that reminded her of me. Guess what it was called? Look To The Stars.

It says its like this lack of direction brings forth the question did I go too far...we are finding who we are down this road we walk...look to the stars...seize every moment...you gotta believe when i say...

*Currently listening to Colbie Caillat's song called Magic on www.Pandora.com. Never heard of her before but I like it. If you haven't tried Pandora.com - you need to! It is awesome!

Health care worries have now been topped by the soaring gasoline prices. This has been reported to be the number one worry of Americans right now. The astronomical cost of gasoline is affecting all aspects of our lives. We now have to worry how to afford to get to our job in order to make enough money to pay to get back home again! Yep, that makes things a bit discouraging. Not to mention the things we have had to start giving up. First, it was the entertainment, and meals out. The Discretionary / Fun expenses put on hold. But, now it’s getting more serious. Vacations are being canceled. Grocery bills are getting too steep. Job loss is also becoming rampant. It's come down to everyone needing to make some sacrifices and changes. About eight weeks ago, I officially became a “bus rider”. It was either drive to and from work every day, or buy food. Eating won hands down. I was pleasantly surprised to find out I enjoy the bus experience. A lot. For one thing, I can read. I can also nap (warning: I do not recommend sleeping on the bus. Speaking from experience , your desired destination is at great risk!) I can let someone else deal with the commuting traffic and the road rage. But best of all, on the bus I can have peace of mind. I don’t hear ghostly cash register chimes rattling my brain each time we accelerate! Any time I start thinking it is too inconvenient to be tied to a bus schedule each day, or grousing when I miss the one I wanted, and have to wait in the heat for the next one to come along, then I just drive my shiny SUV down to our local gas pump and fill up the tank.

Voila! An Instant cure! The bus is my new best friend!

In fact, there are a lot of cool things about the bus. Take people watching, for one. When you ride each day, you quickly begin to identify the regulars. Like “Bike Boy”, who, after carefully hanging his 10-speed on the front rack, sits down calmly in the front left seat. He uses rubber bands to hug his suit pants to his ankles – a safety precaution I assume. I always like to check out what color he chose that day (he apparently bought the “rainbow pack” at Office Max). He keeps his bike helmet safely clasped for the duration of the trip (in the event of a rollover, that man will be the only one saved from brain trauma). His helmet also has a little mirror implanted on the side – jutting out on a metal stick. Like the mirror my dentist uses before he announces I need another filling. “Bike Boy” is also a very polite person. His mother taught him well. He always ends up standing and giving his seat up. I have noticed that he automatically rises for women of all ages, and elderly gentlemen. However, on occasion he also offers his seat randomly to anyone who might be standing while he is enjoying a seat. “Bike Boy” is definitely a very cool guy.

We have “Mr. Suitcase”. He’s a 50-ish man who walks with a permanent slump, wears a dark suit in great need of a press, and carries, you guessed it, a suitcase. At one point in time, it may have been considered a briefcase, or could have doubled as a very large doctor’s kit, I don’t know, but the thing is bulky! On the busy morning commute he always manages to whack a few heads as he slides down the crowded aisle (each morning I confess to spying how many head-whacks he unwittingly manages. So far his daily record is 7 heads, 2 shoulders & 1 knee!). There’s also “Little Miss Librarian”. A petite woman of undistinguishable age – perhaps 50s or 60s. Unlike “Mr. Suitcase”, she is always impeccably pressed each day and dressed in a conservative dark skirt, a tasteful blouse and sensible shoes. She has an efficient short hairstyle and carries a small leather bag with a book tucked in the outside pocket. She exits the bus at the downtown library stop, and thanks the bus driver in a fine Southern accent. I wonder where she’s from? One of these days I’ll ask her.

There are many other characters that ride the bus with me. You can't miss "Inspector Gadget". He stands well over 6 feet tall, and yet it's his unusual accoutrement's that draw the most attention. He wears the same levis and two-pocket striped shirt every day. He rarely shaves, and wears a sun visor which conveniently covers his bald spot. Perhaps it's part of his "science project" to see how long he can go without washing? There's definitely an air of mystery about him, as I have never seen his eyes - which are ensconced in wrap-around reflective sunglasses everywhere he goes. Each breast pocket is filled to capacity with bus schedules, pens, pixie sticks, and even a used pair of chopsticks. From his left pocket protector hangs a round silver ball that I have determined is some sort of counting device. He holds onto it tightly and every so often presses a button which emits rapid clicks. Around his left hip is a two-bottle fanny pack of Gatorade. Hanging from his right hip is a metal stick with a wheel at the base. Whenever he exits the bus, he extends the pole and pushes the wheel in front of him (another measuring device, I am told by a fellow rider, which counts mileage). I have yet to determine if Gadget is a scientific genius or a crack-pot. I'm currently leaning towards the latter, but reserving my final judgement.

“Jerry” is a down-syndrome young man who enters at 7^th East sporting headphones and a big grin. I don’t know yet what music that boy is listening to, but whatever it is he absolutely LOVES it. He plays a mean air guitar all 10 blocks of his ride. I still can’t help myself from chuckling at his unabashed performance. I’m not laughing AT him, mind you. It’s just impossible to keep a straight face in the midst of so much enthusiasm. I honestly don’t know how the other passengers manage such solemn countenances. “Jerry’s” joy is contagious!

By 11^th East “Mickey” joins “Jerry”. Mickey is another man with downs syndrome who proudly sports a different Disney T-shirt each morning. He has a particular seat (3^rd on the right – window) that he always sits in. Everyone just seems to know that seat is Mickeys seat, and no one disturbs it. However, this morning a young woman (a non-regular rider) got on at 9^th East and sure enough, she sat right down in Mickey’s seat without a second thought. I sensed trouble on the horizon. I wondered if I should tell her she was 'trespassing'. But, she was quite a way down the bus aisle from me. I didn’t want to shout at her, and I didn’t particularly want to stand up and walk all the way down there to tell her to move. How weird would that come across? Besides, what if she didn’t want to move? So I decided to just stay put and watch it play out. At 11^th East, Mickey got on as usual and headed straight to his seat. It is such a habitual movement, that he doesn’t even have to look where he’s going. But just before he swung in, he stopped short and realized someone was actually sitting there! After my several weeks of riding, this was the first time I observed Mickey deal with this dilemma. First, he looked dazed and confused. He did a quick confirmation check that this was indeed the right seat. Then, as the bus lurched back out into traffic and standing became difficult, Mickey eased himself into the seat directly across the aisle. He sat down very slowly, as if he was unsure the foreign seat could actually support him the same as “his” seat did. Once safely seated, he turned and stared fixedly at the woman occupying his seat. He made no sound. No menace. No growl. Just a plain stare. He didn't blink. For a couple blocks the woman did a good job of pretending she didn’t notice a young man gazing directly at her from three feet away – but sure enough, the stare started working its particular magic. First, she squirmed. Then she shifted her purse to her outside shoulder as if to ward off the stare somehow with her leather-encased belongings. The woman tried crossing and uncrossing her legs. She also made a valiant attempt for half a block to stare equally as earnestly out of the window. Meanwhile, Mickey never flinched or tired, and he never stopped looking directly towards the young woman who occupied his seat. At the same time the woman threw a quick glance over her shoulder to check if he was still there, Mickey seized the day and smiled. Personally, I thought it was one of Mickey’s more brilliant moments. It was a genuine full-bodied smile, the kind where eyes disappear right into their smile lines. The same smile a toddler gives to the person standing nearest the cookie jar. Totally irresistible. But sadly, it was completely lost on the poor woman, who by now was flustered and found this latest friendly tactic confusing. The bus reached a busy stop right about then. The woman quickly stood and retreated towards the back door as if to exit, then suddenly darted at the last minute into an available seat in the back. Mickey didn't even notice. His eyes never left the vacated bench. Joyfully, he slid over into “his” seat with a contented sigh. All was right with the world now. It's the simple things that count for Mickey. You've got to hand it to him. He may not be able to talk, but he sure knows how to communicate resourcefully!

On my return trip each day, my bus fills rapidly with the "huddled masses yearning to breathe free", aka the nine to five office slaves. However, I look forward to seeing Steve. That’s his real name. I heard the bus driver greet him cheerfully one day. Steve's a long-time regular. He has some type of muscle disorder. His head is turned permanently to the left, his arms are bent, hands are balled up, and he shuffles when he walks. He also has a hard time closing his mouth completely, so he drools a bit. Not his fault, of course. However, some of my fellow bus riders seem squeemish when Steve enters. They lean away from him when he comes down the aisle, or set their bags suddenly down on an empty seat beside them. Do they think Steve can’t read their intolerance? I noticed this happening for a few days in a row, and it made me incredibly sad. So, one day I beckoned to the poor man that there was an empty seat right beside me in the back. Something unexpected happened. He lurched back eagerly, sat down, and then rewarded me with a huge grin accompanied by a guttural "Thanks!" One of Steve’s great gifts is his dazzling grin. It isn't to be missed. After that, I made a habit of "saving" the seat next to me for him. We look forward to seeing each other and saying “hi” each afternoon. Sometimes another commuter claims the seat beside me before Steve boards. Then Steve usually looks back with a shrug and a wave. Although talking is difficult, he’s always got that grin when words fail him. For the past three weeks, he has brought a different action figure to show off to me. We have worked our way through all his Star Wars collection, and I have seen quite a few army commandos. He surprised me yesterday with his latest find - a “Captain Moroni” action figure, still in its packaging. Steve was particularly proud to show that one to me. On the back of the box was a photo of the entire "Golden Plates" collection. He proudly pointed out each figure he already owns. Apparently the “bad guys” such as "King Noah" and "Laban" are hard to find (when it comes to action figure collections, villains are important). You learn something new on the bus every day. I didn’t even know there were Book of Mormon action figures! (rhetorical question: Should this new marketing bonanza disturb me?)

So, what is my point in writing about all this? Where is all this going? I don't know. We will have to ride to the end of the line and find out . However, these particular people and stories have been on my mind lately. They've become a part of my life. I am wondering if there might be some deeper meaning in my "public transportation journey". One thing I know for sure is that things change for all of us. Just when we get comfy, that’s when the Lord allows us to grow from a new experience. It can be uncomfortable. Take Mickey for example. Thanks to an unsuspecting woman, his staring talent has certainly been perfected to the next level. And he knows a thing or two about the power of a smile!

Take my husband, for another example. Just last month he was commenting on how blessed he was to have such an awesome job with a great company and fun coworkers, in a position that fit his skill set so completely. Well, sure enough, things had gotten a little too comfy I suppose, because two weeks later, he got called into the board room and received the dreaded announcement his job was being eliminated. It came as a complete shock. The Board of Directors of the Company decided there had to be a 20% "reduction in force", so there are several people currently sharing our shock. "It's not personal, it's business". DH is one of the newer guys there, so his job was quickly “consolidated”. In his official goodbye letter it uses those infamous catch phrases such as “economic downturn”, “rise in operations costs”, and "drop in sales" as the justifications to terminate a career. I know we are not the only ones dealing with this situation right now. DH and I are certainly not choosing to be depressed over this new turn of events. The humor and irony is not lost on us. We have also gone down this “unemployment” road in the past. We aren't blazing a new trail. As such, we have learned that there is always a job waiting at the end of the road. Sometimes you just have to walk a little farther or a little longer than you would prefer to get to it. In fact, our history has proven that DH has always ended up with a better job the next time around. So, with that in mind, we could view all this as a “blessing in disguise”. It's easy to smile when the bills haven’t come due yet. However, the Lord has blessings in mind for each of us. We know He does not abandon His children. Usually, he blesses us even more when the hard times hit. He sends tender mercies. Take for example that the bosses were really sad they had to let DH go, and they gave him a fantastic reference letter. They also gave him a full month’s severance pay.

And take the blessing of my daily bus ride. I can catch a bus just a little over a mile from my house that delivers me to the front door of my office. My car (and my pocket book) is getting a tremendous rest, and I am getting some much needed exercise walking to and from the bus stop. As a bonus, I have free daily entertainment while I get to know my fellow travelers. The bottom line is that things might be tough right now for any number of us, for all number of reasons. But things will get better. They always do. I truly believe it. I have personally witnessed it. We need to remember that the doom and gloom coming at us from all sides of the media machine is only one slanted point of view. As much as I like to read and be “in the know”, sometimes it’s best to just turn the TV off, set the paper aside, or walk away from the computer screen for awhile.

There is so much beauty in the world. Pure happiness exists (just come watch “Jerry” play his air guitar) and genuine kindness (“Bike Boy” tenderly guiding a passenger into his seat). Very easily we get caught in the dark worries that surround us and forget that if we look up, just like Mickey's smile, we can see the sunshine. My dear friend Mary Hamilton has a joyful chant that always brings peace to my heart:

"We're too blessed to be stressed!"

Psalms 5: 11 - But let all those that put their trust in thee rejoice: let them ever shout for joy, because thou defendest them: let them also that love thy name be joyful in thee.

We went camping, 20 of us, and it was good fun, but I have to admit, I got a little stressed out.
Not with sleeping on the ground, for I am well accustomed to that practise. Not with living outside, as I love the fresh air on my face. Not with bugs or spiders, or even ducks, for I kind of just get on with it when surrounded by the forces of nature.
But I got stressed because I found myself mothering everyone!

I found that I just couldn't help it! I kept wiping the (amazing) folding camping table that Paul and Amy brought in their box of magical camping equipment. I kept tidying everything up before bed. I had not one, but 2 showers in less than 12 hours. I worried constantly about the fact that we were making too much noise, or the boys were kicking the ball too hard, and I generally made myself worried and stressed over nothing.

I did have a brilliant time, but I just wish now that I had relaxed more, got into the spirit of things a bit more, worried less, stressed less, and just chilled the hell out!

So now, we've all decided that next time, it's not going to be in a wet, miserable, curfewed field.
We're taking it a step further, and we're all going to get on a plane, and hire out a villa somewhere hot and lovely, somewhere private and secluded, and somewhere where all I will need to worry about is whether or not I've remembered my suncream, and I absolutely can't wait! Roll on next year homeys!

Apparently my interview techique was ok and there were only a couple of things I could have done better.  I didn't get it on the basis that I could only keep the job until November and they wanted someone more permanent.  She said I came across as a nice girl, which I guess is a bonus.  I don't feel like a nice girl.

How come I can't see what other people see?

I had an appointment with my registrar that I don't like at the hospital yesterday.  I told her what had been going on.  She wasn't concerned at all.  She gave me an appointment to see my consultant as she is leaving (thank god) but said I couldn't change the date of it as he is really busy, despite me telling her that my parents might actually want to see me on my birthday- the date the appointment is for.  Oh well.

I told her that my gp had increased my medication.  Her words were- "well we try and get people stable on the least medication that we can, and o the dose you were on you seemed to be ok, but you were on that dose before so if that's what you want then I am happy to leave it at that dose.  Hang on, Stable?????  I have had more frequent ups and downs this month than I have had in a year before starting to see her and going on this medication, I thought mood stabilisers were supposed to stop this.

I have been pretty much continuously suicidal for god knows how long recently, some of it coming quite close to be acted on.  How the hell does that come under the terms "stable" or "doing quite well"?? I don't understand, really I don't.  People around me have been panicking like nobodies business, my gp has been called on twice recently because people around me have been worried, and my normal gp when she came back her holidays was even concerned.  What is this woman on? OK we've never seen eye to eye but really?

I am totally confused- maybe this is all in my head?

I'll bet she's decided these are all borderline traits and put me on the shelf- again.

Makes me doubt the experiences I have had recently and wonder whether I have been totally overreacting.  I don't know.

I worry about remakes of anything, particularly something I love so, so much...

But it's Ian McKellen so that has to be good, right?

Ian McKellen cast in The Prisoner remake for ITV

Sometimes I wonder why I came home. Don't get me wrong; I love New Orleans, but I also love it most during Christmas when all my friends are home and we haven't seen each other in a year and life is filled with plans and parties and what I wished my social life was in St. Louis. I knew when I made the choice to come home that the possibility of getting restless existed, but I never thought it would be so soon.

Family-wise, things have been really rough. With my dad out of the country getting R&R and treatment, it's been just my mom and sister handling everything here. She would never say it, but I think my mom is happy I'm hope for these few months just to help out with every day stresses. Financially, I can't stop worrying. While I'm undergoing this quarterlife crisis, my dad has apparently decided to have a mid-life one. Finances are already tight, but he seems to have lost sight of that and spending money that we don't have to the absolute frustrations of my poor mother. Watching her struggle every day with everything going on reminds me I made the right choice to come home.

My parents have always had a typical loving marriage, filled with funny bickering and usual fights, but the second cancer entered the picture, everything changed. How could it not? She can only argue so much with him in fear of disturbing his health, so the three of us are on the other side of the world trying to figure out how to fix the house and pay the bills. If anything, I've discovered that my sister and I have more in common than I realized (we're not close at ALL). I've watched her take apart my childhood bed with just a wrench and fix things that my dad used to do for us. A friend that was over helping me paint commented, "Wow, you and your sister are both really good with power tools." Part of that only added to my fueling anger at him for not being here, but the other half was proud of us for doing so much on our own.

So as messy and chaotic and unknown as my future is, it's nothing compared to what my mother's going through. And as strong as she is, she married in an time that the wife is dependent on the husband. She constantly worries I'm lonely being single, but she's slowly starting to grasp that being independent has made me capable of doing things she was never able to. Their 28th anniversary is in a few weeks; my mom is flying overseas to be with him and hopefully smack him into sense. Funny thing is growing up, he's always been the one to remember the anniversary and buy flowers. To this day, she still forgets. I know he's happy where he is; he has his family around him that he doesn't get to see a lot since we moved to the States, but I know my mom is at her wits end.

I haven't breathed a word to any of my friends about this; not to say they wouldn't understand, but something feels strange to bring it up. Whether they know or not hasn't changed the fact they've been quietly there for me, often paying for little things when we're out. For the first time, I'm the one without the job when I was always been the only one working and living on my own. Europe was incredibly good for my life; I no longer sleep past 10 even when I got to bed late. And while I never had that "aha!" moment (although E said she heard A-ha's "Take On Me" in the department song and is counting it), I did realize that as much as I love order in my life, I really crave adventure.

But where do I find adventure and order and still fix everything that is going out of control?

In my opinion that depends on a few things...

One is... what your definition of "beauty" is

Two... are you living as your authentic self?

If you are only talking of physical beauty then I would agree beauty is only skin deep.

Lets look at the other option though.

Have you ever met someone who's appearance is simply stunning but then they open their mouth and you aren't as attracted anymore?

Did you ever have a crush on some hot movie star but later found out some information about their personal life and you lost all interest?

Or on the flip side have you ever met some super average "someone" but when you give them half a chance you realize how much you enjoy being around them?

Have you ever judged someone you just met and put them in a box but once you see how they actually live their life you are forced to give them a second chance?

Have you ever seen the movie "Shallow Hal" with Gwyneth Paltrow and Jack Black?

It's about this guy (Hal) who is always scoping out the girls but only goes for the "drop dead" gorgeous ones and is continually getting turned down.

As the movie progresses Hal develops some character as a person and as a result falls in love with a 300 pound woman (Rosemary) because of her inner beauty.

The great part about this movie is when they show Rosemary from Hal's perspective you see a very different picture then when they show you Rosemary from Hal's friend's perspective.

The point being Hal saw Rosemary's real "inner beauty" and therefore his whole image of her changed for the better.

Everyone... including YOU... has inner beauty that goes to the very core of their being.

The question is... are you letting it out?

Are you allowing your inner beauty to express itself... to grow... to develop... to relate... to live?

If you aren't then you are robbing yourself of a life of freedom and truth...

If you aren't you are robbing others of knowing how wonderful the "real" you is.

When you are living as your authentic self you will no longer need the approval of others so you will be able to live carefree and unhindered.

When you are living as your authentic self people won't be able to help notice and appreciate your inner beauty.

Your inner beauty is there... if you haven't already found it then get looking!

I really can't even remember the last time I was happy.  I mean truly happy.  It might have been my wedding day almost 3 years ago now.  That day was so euphoric, I remember my cheeks hurt from smiling so hard.  A happy day before that, I can't even remember.  More often now, I'm started to wonder if I am bipolar, bipolar II that is.  I never have manic episodes, those extreme highs.  What I do have is the extreme lows.  I do seek therapy although my therapist and I talked briefly about bipolar II, she's not ready to diagnose, neither am I.   The therapy, I think it helps sometimes, and other times I'm not sure what the point is.  Sometimes, I wonder if my feelings, or thoughts are normal.  It's normal to me, because it's all I've ever known, felt, thought.  But in comparison to "normal", am I really "normal"?

Lately, lately is a relative term, (lately for me is past 3 years), I feel sad all the time  but what I think it is, is that I've been feeling like this for as long as I can remember and now it just seems to have gotten worse and worse and worse...before I would feel crappy and then I'd recoup.  Now it seems I don't look forward to anything.  I think I may be depressed, but that I'm a good functional depressed person.  I really feel like I put on a damn good show for everyone.  I really think no one is the wiser.  I have a bright and shiny face, I'm always smiling....that's the outside front.  On the inside, I often feel like I'm dying, I keep myself so busy so I don't have to feel it or admit it or surrender to the pain.  I know that I do a good job of making everyone think I'm fine.  But the reality is I feel lost in my life, I feel like I don't know what i want. 

I'm sick of wondering if I made the biggest mistake of my life by leaving my husband.  I wonder if it was my biggest mistake, it often feels like my biggest regret, yet at the same time I don't go running back to him.  I miss him like crazy and I don't know if I'll ever stop missing him.  That part is killing me.  I'm just a mess.  

Oddly, last year at this time I think I was actually more emotionally healthy, I could be wrong. But l last year, I was feeling okay, feeling good, feeling free, finally getting to be me, now here I am a year later, reality has sunk in, these feelings and emotions I have are so deep and real, and painful.  I just don't know what I want, what I'm supposed to feel, do, think, act, where I'm supposed to be.  It's just a big fricken question mark.  My chest feels tight, I just want to cry.  I can't even sleep lately.  I'm a chaotic mess on the inside, but on the outside I've got it all together.  I feel so completely lost and hopeless.

In my world I feel like I'm chasing, constantly chasing, the place that I think I'm supposed to be, the person that I think I should be.  But I can't stop, I don't know how.  I don't know how to not feel this way.  It seems the more I try to not feel this way the more it's in my face.  It's like I'm drowning in it.  i honestly felt healthier as a person a year ago, how can that be?  

My biggest struggle is detaching from my ex-husband.  It's going on 2 years now.  Isn't it too long to feel like this?  The other part is I don't know how to deal with it or separate my feelings and what they are attached to.  I know I miss my ex-husband, we'll call him "J", the person, the friend, the companion that I had for 12 years.  But at the same time, he was my stable, my rock, my security, but that's what's so confusing how do I know what part is the part that I'm missing HIM and what part is it that I miss him as my security, my rock....it all feels so intertwined.  I saw him yesterday since I was dogsitting for him, and i feel awful, he just had come back from a weekend trip with his boss, boss's wife and their  kids.  He drove up by himself, and he drove down by himself.  I know he's not dating.  I feel awful that he doesn't have someone, he should have someone, he deserves the best. The crappy part is that he doesn't make me feel awful about it, I make me feel awful about it.  I think it's the guilt that still resides in me from leaving him. 

I'm so sick of my family asking about him everytime they know that I've seen him.  They always ask me if he's dating anyone, and my response is always the same, "I don't know, I don't ask, and I don't want to know".  I have no idea why they even ask me.  Thing is I don't even know how I would feel if I knew he was, would I be heartbroken, would I be relieved, I'm not sure.  Mixed emotions I would presume.  My grandmother almost made me cry yesterday, she asked about him, if he had anyone, and saying that she thinks everyone deserves to have someone.  It almost made me lose it.  Because it's true, what point is a life if you can't share it with someone.  I know I have to take care of me first before I can move on, but that's it, I don't know how to care about me. 

Does anyone actually give a shit about anything?!

Abroad and meeting people who have left their families and friends behind to experience something different. But we must not be blind, people dont just leave the most important things in their life behind, something triggers it. Something must have happened. Do people become black and white?

I have met people from south, east and west europe, south america, joining me in the adventure of the unknown, in this ltle known town.

Many have been nice "from the start", the kind of nice that coming from England you think, something here is not right, this is too good to be true, and almost as a principle when something becomes to good to be true I make myself ultra aware. Their is an alternate motive, if people are so nice?

I mean the fact these guys who were doing the same training as me and invited me to sleep in the same room as them, when these two girls didnt  have a clue who I was.

They said " ohhhh listen this is what we d o in europe, dont let people get lost, stick together, avoid loneliness" well something along those lines. Anyway me being the ultra sensitive was shocked by the words " dont murder him", when she left me with the other girl, I mean would you do this to a new person, it freaked me out, I had heard about people murdering traveling students and I dont make banter like that, I dont even like to talk about murder or things like this unless its absoluly nessecary, nevermind meeting someone knew, on top of this a really do analyse what people people say the essence and the basics for their thought , and many times there were contraditions which I always wish to explore. But it makes me think they are mad.

I made them aware and they really didnt understand that I had met people in the past who said strange things and turned out to be strange, well I stayed wake most of that night...but the second and last night was fine, maybe I dont get out enough I dont know...?

But I gave such a shit about everything at that point, that new developing situation in my life and I looked to these idiots to be guides, what a stupid idea, they said I should have "more fun!" What does have fun actually mean???!!! I was never shown or told but it seems my version of fun is commonly different apart from getting drunk, (also have fun with my old friends, though they always seem to care less) is commonly different from most other peoples version of fun...so the result being an openminded guy..I let lose..a bit..experimented with my words, lost my principles lost my way and total control!

 With the aid of drink, and what happens, now they think I am a drunk...they used to think I was too incontrol and a bit sexy...bullshit..lesson 1 never listen to strangers, never listen to women..though iam glad I did it and have picked up on this weakness...and yeah I am getting back to regime and control, but I am left looking at new ideas and beliefs that seem to make me more common, I dont want to be more common, I dont want to not care, I dont believe in not caring , and no discipline or formula to life, I dont want to be common.

So now I am regrouping.

So at least i noticed. Not the first time.  On top of that many people I meet out here are in a stuggle between being good and bad, giving taking, puting what i see as discipline into making someone elses time on this planet pleasent for them as well as your self...Am I too fussy or what?

It almost reminded me of Adam and Eve, being tempted to "have fun", the picture above is William Hogarth

here is why i'm in a not so good mood:

1. it may sound juvenile, but i didn't take a nap. when babe lays down, especially on days when she's up before 8am, i usually try to lay down for at least a half hour-hour with her when she does her 2 hour nap in the afternoon. this gives me an hour to catch up on work i can't do with her awake as well as gives me a moment to just recharge. now i understand why one of my schoolmates suggested having two or three other kids, "they entertain themselves after awhile!" she cheerily remarked. i have been engaging in more story reading, imaginative play, and coloring sessions than ever before. babe is 2 and 2 months and loving it. i must admit, i'm actually loving this phase too though. but, i still need to nap just to allow me some recharge time myself.
2. staying with your parents reminds you of why you were so eager to get out of the house in the first place. its especially difficult when one parent will talk about you with your brother. then brother engages in an argument with said parent because said parent does not and would not really understand what its like to be a poor graduate school parent. said parent does also not see the value in my "hippie" read "liberal" major.
3. i have been eating meat. remember, just the other day when i said no more meat? i was gonna go veg out again. i fell off the wagon and into a pile of chicken shit.
4. im still dealing with issues from when my mil would have nothing to do with me. for 4 years she ignored my relationship with dh, because i happen to be a darker shade of brown. and so sometimes, when i think about it, it irks me. especially when she pretends that it never really happened and just goes right on along playing with babe and making small talk. i know, i should get over it. but i think its because we never talked about. she took me, my mom, and dh out for crab cakes one evening and told us, "we've got a lot of catching up to do." that was 6 years ago, and yes, i guess sometimes i still get angry.
5. i want to exercise. i am lazy.
6. i want to write. i spend my days with babe and could write during her nap time. by the time night gets here and dh is home from work, we are both tired and just want to go to bed. maybe the best i can do right now is to finish reading the stuff i brought with me. and take notes. i've got good ideas for stuff i want to work on, but just not the energy or the mental and physical space/stamina to do it

i'm gonna try to shower. forgo the donut. get some sleep.