Monday started with a visit to the girlie doctor.  I asked her about levelling off the hormones.  Actually, I begged her to rip everything out; but she demurred.  The PMS you see, is out of control.  I adjusted my vitamin regimen last year; but my head still spins around and the words that come out of my mouth..oy.  I was able to get a presciption for a wee little dose of something.  I started taking it the next day.  No side effects.  All is well.

I was tired a couple of nights later and went upstairs to read.  Bernie came up and asked if I was mad at him.  "No."  I said.  "Or maybe I am and I just don't know it".  He laughed all the way down the stairs.

Thursday saw me being fitted for my first pair of bifocals.  This was great fun.  I have trouble enough walking a straight line, so this should be interesting.  Three days in, and I haven't fallen, stumbled or otherwise become immobile.  But just now, I did attempt to make coffee by putting the filter IN the carafe. 

Note to self...new glasses are no remedy for stupid.

As I studied the entire book of Matthew last year, I was amazed at how much teaching there is about false teachers, false doctrine and false prophets.

Let's start in Matthew 7 verses 15-21. "Watch out for false prophets. They come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ferocious wolves. ....by their fruit you will recognize them....Not everyone who says to me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven...I will tell them plainly, 'I never knew you.'"

The parable about the weeds in Matthew 13 explains that the weeds are among believers and that the kingdom of God will have yeast, and the yeast is worked through the dough.

Of course Matthew 24 is full of various end-time warnings to watch for deception. Verse 4 says "Watch out that no one deceives you. For many will come in my name, claiming, 'I am the Christ,' and will deceive many."

Verse 11 and 24. "and many false prophets will appear and deceive many people...For false Christs and false prophets will appear and perform great signs and miracles to deceive even the elect -- if that were possible."

There many verses in the New Testament, so here is a list...I implore you to take the time and look up every verse and prayerfully read through them. At one time we have all read these verses, but focusing a few minutes on a subject that was obviously very important in the Bible, will give you defense.

2 Corinthians 1:14

2 Corinthians 4:1-5

2 Corinthians 11:4,13-15

Galatians 1:8-9

Galatians 5:7-10

Ephesians 4:6-7

Colossians 2:8

2 Thessalonians 2:7-12

1 Timothy 1:3-4, 7

1 Timothy 4:1-2

1 Timothy 6:3-10

2 Timothy 2:17-18

2 Timothy 3:12-13

2 Timothy 4:14-15

2 Peter 2:1-3

2 Peter 3:17-18

1 John 2:18-23, 26

1 John 4:1-3

2 John 1:7-8

Jude 3-16

Paul, Peter, Jude, John. Are these men divisive? Yes they are. They are dividing truth from lies. They are warning us to divide ourselves, to stay away from the false prophets and to avoid and not listen to them. We are told to expose the fruitless deeds of darkness.

Ephesians 5:11 says "Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them.

An interesting aspect to the end times is that good, will be called evil, and evil, good. There will be a reversal of thought. Those who are trying to point out and expose the heresies of today are the ones being accused of division. But in truth it is the false prophet who is being divisive by introducing false doctrine into the church.

Romans 16:17-18 says "I urge you brothers, to watch out for those who cause divisions and put obstacles in your way that are contrary to the teaching that you have learned. Keep away from them. For such people are not serving our Lord Christ, but their own appetites, By smooth talk and flattery they deceive the minds of naive people."

This verse tell us something quite contrary to what many are saying today. Many are saying that we need unity in the church no matter what and doctrine is not an issue. Those who compare the new teachings against the Bible are called heresy hunters and dividers. But this verse tells us that the opposite is true. It is those who are teaching contrary to scripture, that are the dividers, not those bringing it to the attention of the church.

I want to add a personal story to this article because of a situation I went through, led me to truth. This is the short version.

I grew up attending a protestant covenant church and accepted the Lord as a young girl. I had a strong biblical background.  Finally after a very long period of being backslidden, I came back to the Lord. I was so hungry for the Word of God that I joined BSF Bible Study.

I was immersed in the Word and loving every minute of it. But something happened. I began to receive open visions. I saw the Lord's hands. Gigantic numbers appeared in scenery as I was driving. Then I began to get messages.....Oh how I thought the Lord was using me...I told my mother who thought I was being extremely blessed. I began to take the advice from the voice that I was hearing...

Since I was a Christian and was "hearing" a voice, I thought of course that I was hearing from God. Satan is a tricky and deceptive being. He will use the best device at his disposal to pull you away from God. The messages I received were varied. One was an upcoming judgment of a city with a time frame of two weeks. I started to look for others who were receiving similar information.

Oh my...what I found was a whole world of prophetic people...I read them all...but something happened...or didn't happen I should say. The prediction I was given didn't come true. It was a failed prophecy. I also read that these predictions are not always right that the prophet can be off, but still be a prophet.......I wasn't buying it...something was wrong. I started praying for the truth...constantly.

Research took up most of time at this point. I was learning about all of the false doctrine entering the church. I was shocked. Contemplative prayer, LatterRain, yoga in the church, prosperity teachings, and the prophetic ministries. Mind boggling. While I was trying to find out why I was receiving these false messages, I was learning discernment. I also learned that I already had discernment because of the doubts in my mind.

I got to the point where I asked the Lord to take away any gifts that I had that were not from Him. Everything stopped.

A couple years before this started, menopause had hit me and my doctor prescribed Celexa, an anti-depressant because I had become rather weepy. I didn't think much of it... because it seemed to help. Then I started having colon problems. Another doctor prescribed a pill that seemed to take the pain away. This worked too.

I didn't know it at the time but the second pill was also an anti-depressant. I was on two powerful psychotropic drugs and I was seeing things and hearing voices. These drugs pierce a protective veil in the mind and are mind-altering. I had opened up my mind with drugs. Another factor is these drugs affect the pituitary gland, (which I address at the end of the article.) This also opens up a person spiritually and this is dangerous. I didn't know it at the time, and I surely did not want this to happen...But it did.

A friend alerted me to the predicament I was in and informed me of the influences I was under with the drugs...I had my answer. Praise God for this friend of mine. I went on a tapering program to get off the drugs and now I am totally free of them.

But here is the deal.....I was joyful at the thought that I was being used by God. I felt "special"...Now I can see that this was actually spiritual pride. What a lesson. I had only discussed my situation with a handful of people but I had to confess to those I given a "word" to. Confession, repentance.......restoration.

Because I have been reading my Bible every day for six years, I was able to find the truth. Prayer was a staple I needed to get through this situation. But I can see how beguiling the prophetic movement is and how much it actually harmed me and others spiritually. What if I had decided to try to post my "revelations", lies from Satan, on one of the prophetic sites? I would have mislead many people.

I had a written personal journal of "messages", or "visions" that I had received. I burned the entire lot. This gave me much freedom from the confusion this situation had been causing. I also need to warn the reader...some of the personal visions I received, did actually happen, and I think this was to enforce the delusion. Satan can see our personal instances and the world we live in and can make us believe that we have received a personal revelation confirming circumstances surrounding us.  Some of the messages I received sounded very scriptural, but this is how Satan deceives, by mixing truth and lies together. Satan twisted scripture when he tempted Jesus, but Jesus resisted by using the Word...."It is Written" he replied. We need to resist temptation also, and we can use the Word of God and prayer as our strength and power to defend ourselves.

With all the false teachings that are abounding the one thing I fear most for the church at this time is the "anointing". Those who desire this “impartation” must be prayed for. I have heard the stories of how these so-called prophetic powers can be passed onto someone by the laying on of hands. My situation was only one way that a person can open themselves to deception. But there are many ways. There is the impartation, drugs, alcohol, tarrying, meditation, repetition of word, visualization (very occult) , and the seduction of today's hypnotic music. The church is being bombarded with all these deceptions and spiritual influences. Sadly the church is embracing many of these occult methods because these methods create an "experience" of feelings, like the "soaking" we hear so much about today. Instead of serving God in humililty we are being taught to soak in ecstasy.

Whenever I hear of the church participating in something that sounds like a "spiritual awakening," I cringe. New age techniques almost always accompany these gatherings.

It was not long ago I prayed..."Lord, why did I have to go through this? Why me?"

I knew immediately...I had been tested. Who was I going to turn to? The Lord and His Word in the Bible, or Satan and his false words outside scripture?

The church is being tested right now!....Are you being refined or are you being mislead? Can you spot deception and avoid it or are your participating in it? Are you reading and studying the Bible for truth from God or are you following the wicked paths of man?

The deceptions today will pull you AWAY from Jesus Christ if you know Him. If you do not know Jesus Christ as Lord then you will have much difficulty finding the truth. Those who have compromised themselves by a false spirit cannot pray or have difficulty reading the Bible. Christians following this false spirit or desiring its power, have lost all desire for these two mainstays of the faith. If this is the case then you need to repent and turn back to the Jesus of the Bible.

Truth found in the Word of God has to be paramount today. Accept nothing else.

*****************

medical sidenote:

I want to add that the use of anti-depressants can be dangerous and they are addictive. Prozac is the worst and Ambien is very difficult to get off of.  When a person tries to go off them there will be many side-effects. Pain is one of them.  One of the problems is that when you try to go off these drugs, you experience pain which deludes you into thinking..."I need this medication because the pain is coming back." But the reality is that, the withdrawals cause the pain.

I talked to someone who went off amitryptiline (Elavil) cold-turkey and experienced many symptoms like Tourettes. This is not recommended. This person had discovered (just like myself) that she had been prescribed an anti-depressant for IBS. I had alot of hip and joint pain but it subsided with each tapering. I also know someone who struggling heavily with Cymbalta.

Here is a site I used that has a system that worked very effectively for me. When you consider that they are recommending a taper of only 5% every two-three weeks, you get the idea of how you need to manage carefully your withdrawal.

One major discovery is that anti-depressants effect the pituitary gland. http://www.theroadback.org/science.htm This was major because a major occult goal of eastern meditation is the stimulation of the pituitary gland and pineal glands  (chakras) for enlightement and visions.

http://www.theroadback.org/index.htm

http://www.theroadback.org/workbook.htm

Here is a portion from this site.

Chapter Ten

Pre-Taper For Antidepressants,
Anti-Psychotics,
and ADHD Medication

(Abilify, Adderall, Anafranil, Adapin, Celexa, Concerta, Cymbalta, Effexor,
Elavil, Haldol, Lexapro, Luvox, Paxil, Prozac, Remeron, Risperdal, Ritalin, Seroquel, Serzone, Strattera, Thorazine, Wellbutrin, Zoloft, Zyprexa etc)

“I am doing great on the Taper Program.  I have successfully gotten off Elavil.  I had been on it for about 10 years.  I have tried in the past to go off cold turkey and I got so sick each time that I had to go back to it.  I finally realized it wasn't the new medications making me sick. It was withdrawal from Elavil. (No doctor recognized my symptoms as withdrawal and I went to 3 different ones trying to get off of it and onto something with fewer side effects.) 

So this afternoon I have my Occupation Health review with the Sally The Nurse. For various reasons I find it quite tricky to take her seriously, which makes the reviews somewhat more difficult than they should be. The main reason I have to restrain myself from smirking at her is her appearance.  A while back, she was also caring for one of my colleagues, who kindly nicknamed her "Big Bird" due to her grand statue. I'm not exactly short myself, but the woman is as tall as an Amazon. Sadly for her, thats where the resemblance crashes to a screaming halt, in a cloud of ginger haired dust. I am not an anti-ginger by any means, in fact I grew up with a red headed brother, so I too carry the weight of the ginger gene in my DNA. This is not about ginger bashing. It's just all in all Sally has got to be the strangest looking woman i have ever met. She is about 6ft4, and has the most amazing pallor. She is not just pale, she is so fair that she actually looks translucent. I think she reminds me of a giant vegetable, maybe a bean sprout, or a stick of celery. All gangly and with this big bushy mop on top. Anyway, shes very kind, and is usually very patient with me. It's just the appointments take so long, mostly because she populates ever sentence with multiple Um,  Ar, and Hmmm's.

I first came in contact with our OH department back last year when the whole medication/depression/recovery volcano blew its top. I was so off my head on medication that i wasn't exactly forthcoming with the details of my absence. I was concerned about a few disclosure issues, where i had not declared my eating disorder when applying for my job. Without exposing myself completely, the role which i am employed in specifically requests details of your mental health history. needless to say I didn't write
"I alternate between starving myself to near death, and eating my way through Tesco's bakery before vomiting into the nearest available toilet."
anywhere on my application form. So last summer I felt it might be prudent to keep my mouth shut and focus on the depression.

I needn't have worried. Now i have had a good year to sober up, and think about it, they only asked for illnesses and disorders which i had been diagnosed with. Up until a few years ago i had not been formally diagnosed with anything, and I'm pretty sure one of the main symptoms of an eating disorder, is denial. Anyhow its a confidential consultation too, so i can relax.

I also have to call the hospital back to arrange another appointment. I think it may be crunch time on whether I start treatment. I'm still teetering on the fence, but am leaning towards using the support service to maintain my current weight, going back to work for a month or two, and then starting treatment a little later in the year. I might just be playing for time though.

part 2

part 3

All the years I didn't write

I wanted prozac

I thought it would help me

with my prose

For decades I thought

I couldn't write poetry

I was right

- but it's OK

because Leonard Cohen can't sing.

Credo nel cambiamento perché, nel mondo in cui viviamo, potrebbe significare l’autentica manifestazione dell’essere, intesa come il primo passo di un percorso di ricerca per stare meglio con se stessi e con l’altro, indipendentemente dalla forma in cui ci esprimiamo.

E se intendessimo il cambiamento almeno come dichiarazione di volontà ad intraprendere questo percorso, allo stato delle cose pare che la società si consideri felice così com’è.

Perché il cambiamento non è né moda né trasformismo che, se presi superficialmente, possono rappresentare più una fuga che un viaggio. Il cambiamento è un processo più profondo e per questo motivo può (e forse deve) passare anche attraverso la sofferenza.

Gli psicologi dicono che la condizione di esaurimento, smarrimento, mancanza di libido e frustrazione che ci attanaglia nelle fasi di cambiamento della nostra vita possa essere definita come depressione evolutiva. E, di fronte alla comunicazione che svende psicofarmaci come soluzione alla vita, questa definizione mi trova d’accordo. Per guarire la depressione evolutiva non ci vogliono il Lexotan o il Prozac; farsi di consapevolezza, coraggio e benessere interiore è a mio parere una cura più efficace.   

Leggendo In Patagonia di Bruce Chatwin ho scoperto che nella lingua Yaghan la parola depressione descrive la fase vulnerabile del ciclo stagionale del granchio, quando ha perso il vecchio guscio e aspetta che cresca quello nuovo. Se non credessi che saggezza e coglionaggine nell’uomo si compentrano come il latte e il caffè, mi verrebbe da dire che gli antichi erano molto più saggi di noi.

D.W.

I'm not really sure what I've gotten. Probably just an infection from bacteria or something. I know for sure that I got MSB -- Massive Sperm Buildup -- for not ejaculating for two days in a row. Gosh, I hate it when I wake up in the middle of the night with a boner that won't go down. Maybe my hormone needs some Prozac?

I was born on New Years Eve 1977 in Cheshire, only a few miles from where I live now, the son of John and Hilary Wilson. I have one brother, Matthew, who is two years older than me.  My parents were both Head Teachers and I first went to my Mothers Primary School as an infant, before moving to my Fathers Primary School when I went up to Juniors. I had an extremely happy childhood and have some great memories of my early years. We were never 'well off' but we had enough money to live comfortably.

In 1986, on the day Prince Andrew married Fergie, we moved away from the town and into the country. It was fantastic! Loads of new places to explore, I was never in the house. Any spare time I had was either spent 'lost' in the woods or kicking a football around. The main reason we moved was so that my brother and I could both go to a decent High School, and we did. I got great grades at GCSE and enjoyed my school days, participating in just about any sport going.

During my teen years my brother unfortunately got mixed up with drugs.  To this day I don't know exactly what he was using, but I know it wasn't just the 'soft' drugs. The drugs changed him, for ever! We didn't speak for three years; I had no time for him. He would steal from me and my parents and try and get me the blame, he would beat me up when he was high on something and had lost the plot, there was no point entertaining him any more, so I just ignored him.

Around the same time my Father suffered from a breakdown and had to take Prozac to control it. Again, this changed my Father for a long time and my relationship with him suffered. We didn't see eye to eye on anything.  He didn't understand me and I certainly didn't understand him. We didn't know how to deal with each other. We got on with things though, many an argument was had and many a time one of us would storm out of the house and go missing for a few hours to cool off. But, at least I had my Mother to turn to. We were quite close and supported each other through this rough period.

After leaving High School I did attend a College for several months. However I soon realised that the courses I had chosen weren't what I wanted to do and left around October after the College refused to let me change courses. I went to work at Sainsbury's for about twelve months, before landing a job as a bar man in one of my friends parents' pubs. I didn't realise it at the time but it was to be the start of my Managerial career in Catering and Hospitality.

Since then I have Managed and been Deputy Manager at several different pubs, all in Cheshire. My first shot at Management was in 1999 when I was asked to be an Interim Manager for six months, a role that I thoroughly enjoyed. I obviously impressed during these few months because shortly after that I was asked to Manage a pub full time, The Shady Oak, I accepted with great excitement and anticipation.

The Shady Oak brings back so many great memories but at the same time so many bad ones. We had some great nights there and I was surrounded by some very good friends. I made up with my brother, gave him a job and even gave him and his fiancé free accommodation for two years. In 2002 he walked out on the job and my hospitality though, without any notice and no word of a thank you, we haven't spoken since.

The same year my Mother walked out on us and ran off with another man, something I will never forgive her for. My parents quickly got divorced and she remarried. I haven't spoken to her since either. It hit both my Father and I really hard, he was suicidal for a period after that. In a strange way though it was a blessing in disguise, it brought me and him closer together.  I still don't think my Father has totally got over it, but he is much better these days. He seems to have reinvented himself and is now enjoying the 'teenage' years that he didn't when he was a teenager.  He retired last year and spends most of his time travelling around the World now. He has made new friends and is getting on with his own life without worrying about having to please anyone else.

Whilst at The Shady, in 2000, I also met my Wife. We knew of each other at school but never really mixed with each other, and then I employed her as a barmaid. We quickly got together and hit it off straight away.  Her job role quickly changed into barmaid/cleaner/chef/waitress etc. whatever role needed filling in the pub we just got on and did it between us. We made a great team and still do to this day. She has helped me through probably the toughest time in my life so far and we have also had some great times together, we very recently married, July 18th 2008.

It was always Amy's dream to go to New York. So for her Christmas present in 2006 all I gave her was a card. In it I had given her the choice of 2 weeks holiday in the sun, a week in Paris or a few days in NYC. I think it was the first time that I had ever seen her cry with tears of happiness.  I knew very well that she would pick the trip to New York and, as I had decided a couple of months before, I would use the trip to propose to her. I did, she said yes and I became the happiest man alive.  Our Wedding day was fantastic, we both enjoyed every minute of it and I can safely say it was the best day of my life! We are still sorting through the thousands of photos we have of the day and of the Honeymoon, once we have them all straight I will post you some on here.

We left the Shady Oak in 2003, it all became too much. I was going through a bad spell in my life and we both ended up working pretty much 24/7, so we decided to leave.  Amy went into the Hotel industry and still is today.  I went on to work at several other pubs and Oulton Park Race Circuit.

November last year we were due to take over another pub together. We had sworn we would never do it again but the money was extremely tempting and we could have rented out our house. We both handed our notice in at work and had put in a lot of work on new menus for the pub and on how to take the place forward. Then, two days before we were supposed to take over, we decided against it. The thought of going back to 24/7 was just too much. The money would have been fantastic and we would have been a lot better off than we are now had we taken it on, but running a pub you
don't have any kind of a life really. You're lucky if you manage to get outside of the same four walls even for an hour. We didn't want to go back to that kind of lifestyle.

So, after a big panic, Amy got her old job back and has since had promotion.  I have decided to get away from pubs forever, except when I go drinking in them. I now work in a stately home in the heart of Cheshire and I've never been happier. I do two days a week helping with the maintenance side of things and then the rest of my week is spent looking after wedding parties and corporate dinners. It's great, I love it! My only regret is that I didn't do it years ago. There is nothing more rewarding than seeing a Bride and Groom, that over several months you have got to know very
well, enjoying they're big day. There is a lot of pressure to make sure everything goes right for them, but when it does it is the best feeling in the World.

I am currently also trying to start several businesses, I'm sure you'll be hearing more about these over the coming months so won't bore you with the details now, but haven't really had much time since returning from Honeymoon. Whilst we were away Roger, my new Father-in-Law, suffered from a minor heart attack, so was taken to Liverpool last week for a quadruple heart by-pass operation. He is OK we think and it looks like he may be able to come home soon, possibly tomorrow. It's going to be a long slow recovery for him, but he'll get there.

Amy also lost her Nan last year, on Christmas day of all days, so it seems it's now my turn to support Amy through some rough times, just has she has done for me. I guess that is what marriage is about.  Sticking together through thick and thin, the good times and the bad.  Shame my Mother didn't realise that.  We will get through it together and hopefully in the coming years we have got some better times ahead.

I hope to share these good, and bad, times with you on here. I hope you will follow my roller coaster life and enjoy doing so.

Thanks for listening,

Simon.

I have it that much easier than other people, and I am so thankful for that. But the true test comes in 2 weeks when classes start. Now that will be interesting.

La desesperación ha llegado a Venezuela. La peor noticia del año sin duda alguna; el grupo RBD o Rebelde se separa definitivamente. La ciudad de Caracas ha entrado en caos, la depresión de muchas y muchos adolescentes los han hecho llorar y deprimirse. El famoso anti-depresivo Prozac se ha agotado en la mayoría de las farmacias del país.

Nadie se lo puede creer. El ejemplo de anorexia de sus integrantes, de desnudez y vulgaridad ha terminado…hasta que llegue una mierda peor.

En Venezuela existen 15 club de fans, (patético), y la directora de uno de ellos, cuyo nombre es María Fernanda de Deus de 20 años, quien debiera estar buscando un trabajo real o creando un grupo de apoyo para FUNDANA, La Fundación Amigos del Niño con Cáncer o un refugio de animales abandonados, invitó a todos los patéticos descerebrados admiradores de este grupo a reunirse este sábado 23 de agosto a las 10 de la mañana en la Plaza Alfredo Sadel (El Universal dice “En La Castellana” pero en realidad ésta queda en Las Mercedes), el periodista debió estar muy conmovido para poder escribir bien.

Las actividades previstas para tal estupidez consisten en llevar tu franela de RBD, y cantar en coro todas sus pendejas canciones. Perdón, sus grandes “hits”.

LOS FELICITO niños y niñas, aplaudo primero que nada a sus padres. Los grandes creadores de conciencia y valores, los que les enseñan que vale la pena deprimirse por un grupete de mierda. Deseo de corazón que les enseñen en sus casas y colegios los VERDADEROS problemas mundiales, para ver si van a seguir peleando por estupideces.

Que cagada.

KBK.

I'm now one week off the prozac. I'm not "supposed" to be able to tell a difference, but honestly I can. I've been doing so well, but I haven't been able to shake the feeling of impending, or present, doom over the past 5 days or so. It's like having the rug pulled out from under you and loosing your footing, slipping into free fall. I think if there were just one thing going on, then maybe I could deal, but right now it's all too much.

I am still trying to get a hold on what is a "normal" response to a situation, and what is the over the top noise inside my head. How the hell am I supposed to figure this out? One day, I have a clue, and the next day, it doesn't seem so clear.

Add to all this turmoil raging hormones, and the stage is set for disaster.

I have an ever-present desire to check out. (Get your head off the morbidity, by check out, I mean "not deal" or, more appropriately, run.)

My mother came home and was trying to talk to me as I sat in front of my computer. I was playing a game of strategy and wits, a first person shooter. It was the only thing at home that could keep up with my fast pace mind and somehow reach me inside a flurry of mental frenzy. The game would bring me down slowly from light speed to a relaxed trance. It must be what a hyperactive kid feels when he takes a stimulant like speed to slow himself down.

I was playing a fast pace war strategy game where two teams fight against each other in a physics environment that made the fighting feel like the players were all super human. We played over the Internet against other people throughout the world. Everyone who played these games had similar issues to mine, though we never talked about them, but we all knew. Sometimes I would play until 1:00 in the morning refusing to end the ping-pong tournament of reflexes and wits.

Sleep was bad. I tossed, turned, and rolled usually all night. I had a wave machine I would turn on that made the sound of waves. I turned this on in a pathetic attempt to lull me asleep. For some reason white noise such as a fan or ocean sound has always put me in a trance and made it easy to fall asleep. To this day, however, the sound of that exact looping ocean sound makes me sick to hear it. Every time it came on it was torture. The sound came to embody my strange surreal and empty sentiments of trying to sleep in a world that had no foothold to stand on.

            At school I was forced into the average social games of fake smiles, witty comments, and jokes that evaded everyone’s ears. It was my hope that maybe someone would get these witticisms and take me in and maybe I could have a real friend. Instead I was stuck with a group of oaf-like “amigos” that were constantly joking around about everything that wasn’t funny from someone who said it that was cool and what not and blah blah blah.

 There was nothing of any stimulation in these kinds of environments. They talked about people at the school as if they were super stars, as if people in Italy would know who they were if you mentioned the popular kids name at Dana hills high school. Everyone acted like this. I never met one person who didn’t. I camouflaged myself to fit into their little clan activities, but always felt less then them for not feeling the ability to participate in these cultural acts. Standing on the outside, alone, feeling that I was stuck on the inside, however I wasn’t. The inside was yet to come.

            These friends that I felt compelled to spend almost every hour with were a tight group of people, but they really weren't all that tight. The only thing that kept our bond was the fact that we all saw groups of teenagers our age on TV making groups of friends and acting as if they were close. There were four of us, me, Ron Gummy, Sid Franklin, and Corey Dunce.

            Ron was a tall heavy guy who was constantly enthralled with his lack of looks. He would sit and look at himself in the mirror for hours and try to get his hair just right. He longed to be within the crowd of popular kids at school however, he just couldn't do it. He would buy all the new clothes, and he knew exactly which size for every brand would fit his body size the best to make himself fit in properly. One time he got me to drive him around for hours to find a special pair of Converse (shoes) that would be sure to set himself apart from the crowd. He was humorous and was kind in many aspects however he would steal your last drop of food on a desert island if it would bring him glamour and prosperity.

Inside I was jealous of him because he somehow conned the girls into going with him. If any of us had a girl he would make fun of us in front of her in order to make himself look good. I never realized it but he fancied himself the leader of the group and never really valued anything I had to say because he felt like he created me.

Before I hung out with this group of friends, Ron was the one who invited me over to hang out. After that we had gravitated towards each other on a ski trip with a church. Ron was the only one who didn't care for the rules and I didn't either, though I pretended or thought that I did. After the trip I hung out with him and he introduced me to Cory and Sid.

Sid was a rat like character that looked up to Ron and thought of him as his best friend. Sid never realized Ron was running the show and telling him exactly what to do. Sid would have shined Ron’s shoes if he asked him too. They would always joke around and Corey and I would always end up being the butt of Ron and Sid's jokes.

            Every once in a while Corey and I would turn on each other and end up joking with them but we were never in the cycle. Corey was a tall nerdy looking guy that happened to have a bad temper and a lot of muscles. His jaw was elongated and almost looked like he had an under bite. He looked like he was older than the rest of us yet he looked like no matter what age he was he would look older which made him look younger. Corey was the only one that would actually listen to what I had to say and thought it through without laughing or making fun of my thought process. But sometimes Corey would get mad thinking so much and he would recklessly argue with me for no reason at all.

 Ron and Sid had other things to do besides think about this strange life we lived in and this oxygen we breathe in our lungs that makes it possible. Corey and I were on the same track we were both going to church and not understanding the craziness of life and trying to find it in the Christian religion. But like the saying goes ‘you can't punch turkeys out of a billboard.’

            The so-called friendships continued through the craziness. Ron and Sid were on their way to becoming rock star gods in the twentieth century and me and Corey were attempting to carve our own paths. One night for Corey’s birthday we decided to go to the motorcycle races in Corona Del mar, the speedway. Driving all the way up there which was only about thirty minutes from my house was a real trip, I felt so lost and swallowed up by the mouth of infinity screaming in the chaos trying to find this ground that everyone claims to be standing on.

I was quiet in the car. I was in a car with a girl driving and my good childhood friend Austin Fieldcrest was with me. I felt comfortable with him being there because I knew he was uncomfortable too. The girls were playing loud music and taking me into their world which was a disgusting compulsion of beauty magazines and loud hypnotizing rap songs of black guys singing about their bitches. I sat in the back of the car the entire time wondering what was wrong with me, and why I couldn’t sit in these situations without constant obsessive confusion. Finally the rock sank in and my palms got sweaty. ‘How am I going to make it out of here alive,’ I would think, and I would begin looking for the exits of the speeding car while traveling 80 mph down a freeway. ‘I can’t really jump out now, or can I?’ a little voice wondered in panicked derision. Little did I realize at the time that no one makes it out alive.

            At the speedway it felt good to get out and walk around. Ron, Corey, Sid, Austin and I walked in a lateral line towards the ticket booth. These times felt good to be walking with this small barely bonded band of brothers. I always felt they were better than nothing.

Walking to the booth we paid for our tickets supplied with cash from our parents - a luxury that was somehow never understood. We sat in the booths and watched the motorcyclist travel aimlessly around the tracks circle. I felt bad that the highlight of the night was when a motorcyclist crashed and was run over by his own bike.

Sid Corey and Ron walked away after they saw some girls that they thought they saw eyeing them. I felt compelled to go with them, however, Austin was sitting up top and I didn't want to leave him alone. The two girls that were with us were also sitting up top and I began talking with them.

"What’s your names again?"

"Laura,"

“Stacy,”

Awkward pause.

"I’m Matt… So how is everything going tonight?" I said.

I talked to them even though they were fairly disinterested in me. I think it was obvious that there was too much going on in my head for me to handle.

"I’m doing good, just that smell is nauseating," I commented about the bikes.

The smell was loud, however, I actually liked it. It was the smell of the alcohol the motorcycles ran off of. I could tell it helped them to accelerate at a much faster rate than common gas. The alcohol in the motorcycles’ engines was exploding and making loud high-pitched explosions that sounded like dynamite and a microphone strapped onto a zipper tied to a pair of blue jeans.

I looked back at the loud human engineered beasts and watched the end of the race. Two guys were battling it out for first. A man on the side of the starting line was waving a checkered flag from the booth. The two rider’s eyes were green with red flames bursting off of their heads - vacuum mouths sucking for the checkered love. If it were permitted they would have kicked each other off their bikes. They rounded the turn the man on the outside slid his bike around and skid around the last corner. The biker on the inside did a little turn but came out of it quicker and shot straight in a diagonal line in front of the other rider and crossed the finish. He did a little pop o’ wheelie as he rounded the turns. I sat watching tired from the day and wary of what other activities the hoodlums would decide to do tonight.
            After watching a few stunts from dirtbikers jumping over some cars, we got some food and made our way back home. I had this paranoid feeling the entire time that I was teetering on the edge of a giant cliff about to fall off the entire night. Luckily the cart I was in that was balancing on a tight rope somehow made it to the other side, and I found myself at home in bed once again, tossing and turning into oblivion with motorcycles and angry rappers in my head fading into Roman carpets and jungles and sleep.

            The next day at school the games and dramas continued. I thought they would never ever end. I met people and talked to them but was never really myself. I was constantly inwardly thinking about life and God and how I was separating away from the religion that I was told meant everything from birth and how only evil people don’t go to church and follow the rules. I felt like Satan had somehow come into my mind and was directing me away from the path of the righteous. I was trapped I didn't want to be evil and I couldn't lie to myself about reality because I was slowly realizing how rational thought leads nowhere. The holy rational thought was crumbling before my very eyes. At night I would sometimes sit outside and look up at the stars and wish I were an Indian (Native American). I wished I could live in a time where confusion didn’t abound, but trees and animals abounded. I was in a white man’s world and I was a primitive man on the inside. I wanted to go for walks in forests that I knew as well as my room. I wanted to sit on rocks and meditate by streams and listen to animals rustle through the bushes while I thought about the meaning of it all and the spirit behind everything, but instead I was stuck with power hungry individuals who fed off of the crippling of busy minds.

Overall I'm very pleased with behavior on this lower dose. Because multiple variables changed at the same time (her being kenneled, change in nighttime routine, etc.) I can't point to this in particular as helping but on the other hand I did not see an increase in aggressive behavior either. Using medication such as beta-blockers with a behavior modification program is not without its critics. Many feel that since the drug changes the brain chemistry, the dogs is learning in a drug modified environment so once you remove the drug's influence you'd have to re-teach the behaviors or you would find they would not be as reliable.

What was also a concern for me was possible behavioral side effects of fluoxetine. While in studies only ~4% of the dogs showed an increase in fearfulness, having an already fear aggressive dog undergo an increase in fear seemed to be contraindicated. Nonetheless, I'm happy we used it and will continue at this lower dose at least for a while with the goal being to eliminate it altogether. However, I think that it is important to consider what the behavioral side effects might be when considering drug therapy. If the goal is truly to modify the behavior and not just "drug the dog", you have to think it through. Talk to your vet along with a behavioral professional.