Older son announced this with great enthusiasm.  A few minutes later, I noticed he was wiping the corn with his napkin.  When I asked if he wanted a fresh piece of corn, he said, yes, please.  

So, don't believe the rumors:  corn dipped in ketchup does _not_ taste great.  According to him.

Bueno esto es facil mezclas mayonesa con ketchup hasta obtener el color deseado, luego añades unas gotas de tabasco, un chorrito pequeño de coñac y un poco de jugo de media naranja.

Ahora solo tienes que usarlo para lo que quieras, ensaladas, patatas, pescado, huevos.

Tomar cafe, cenar juntos, hablar en el parque, deambular sin rumbo, sentir que tus ojos se clavan sobre los mios, los mios sobre los tuyos, que ambos sonreimos, esperando el momento en que nuestro cuerpos se rocen, que muestres el mas minimo interes como para hacerme dar un paso mas. No soy ciego, pero a los reyes magos aun siendo magos les guiaba una estrella.

Savoring the tangy challenge, I immediately envisioned my delicious strategies, but came to a startling revelation: only unhealthy foods are complemented by ketchup! The mystery of my excessive density is no more.

.Allow me to explain in a logical manner:

1. I eat excessive quantities of ketchup

2. Under ketchup, one generally finds greasy food

Therefore:

3. I eat excessive quantities of greasy food

...

So far, the best I've come up with is the less-offensive (to my heart, not to your sensibilities) ketchup on a fried egg sandwich.

I'm now accepting suggestions for healthy alternatives for ketchup consumption.

PLUS

EQUALS

heaven on my tastebuds.

Our friend Ben and I enjoyed this little parody, and if you're so inclined, we think you would, too. But if you head to YouTube to watch it, you'll notice that there's something different about the hero, Ketchup Man. As our friend Huma's son Sasha exclaimed when he saw it, "That guy looks like he has Down syndrome!"

Ketchup Man is played by Christian's Uncle Donny, who, like one in every 800-1,000 babies, has Down syndrome (or Down's syndrome, as the British say, correctly acknowledging that Dr. John Langdon Down first described the condition). Down syndrome occurs when a baby has all or part of an extra 21st chromosome, as I discovered on Wikipedia. And, as is well known, the chances of bearing a Down syndrome baby jump astronomically---to 1 in 19---for women over 45, though 85% of Down syndrome babies are born to women under 35.

I remember being told as a child that people with Down syndrome used to be taken from their mothers as soon as they were diagnosed---typically at birth---and institutionalized, where they almost inevitably died in infancy or childhood. I was very disturbed by this, since both my mother and I had "simian palms," hands where the headline extends clear across the palm in an unbroken line, and this is one of the physical characteristics of Down syndrome. (My mother used to tell me that only monkeys, people with Down syndrome, geniuses, and the two of us had simian palms, but whether any of this is true beyond the monkeys---thus, "simian"---and people with Down syndrome, I couldn't say. I think she was just trying to make me feel better. But if any geniuses are out there reading this, please check your palms and report in.)

Now, we have moved beyond that barbarity, and people with Down syndrome typically are raised with their siblings in a loving family atmosphere, educated, and sometimes taught a profession. Donny's vocation is art. One of his sisters is also an artist, so it clearly runs in the family. I have seen Donny's art, and it's amazing. The first time I saw one of his canvases, I was speechless. It was not just good art, it was modern art as good as any I'd ever seen, worthy of a New York gallery, worthy of a museum. If his parents had the background and wherewithal, his art would be known worldwide. Instead, it continues to grace private homes and offices, and Donny remains unknown. Life's lottery may seem to have passed him by, but though fame has eluded him, he's been raised surrounded by love, and is in turn one of the sweetest, most loving people I've ever met.

And now, thanks to Christian, he's an actor, too. Donny loves movies---his hero is Batman---so to actually be in a movie himself was a thrilling experience. Christian hopes to feature his uncle in many future videos, too. After all, someone has to protect ketchup from extermination by misguided bigots!

Incidentally, in case you're wondering, ketchup really is evil. At least, major brands of ketchup are evil. The last time we saw Christian, he held up an offending bottle of ketchup and pointed to the ingredients, and there, sure enough, were the dreaded words "high-fructose corn syrup." I don't know about you, but I'm convinced that high-fructose corn syrup, which seems to be turning up in everything, is responsible for making us all fat. If you love ketchup like we do, I urge you to look for a corn fructose-free brand. Or be adventurous and make your own!

Admittedly, I have not (yet) tried this. We buy our ketchup from a local family-owned business, Bauman's in nearby Sassamansville, PA. (Their apple butter and other fruit butters---18 in all---are outstanding, and they use all-natural ingredients with no additives or preservatives. Go to www.baumanfamily.com to check out their products, see if they're carried by stores in your area, or order them directly if not.) The Bauman's ketchup bottle lists the ingredients as tomatoes, garden peppers, white grape juice concentrate, celery, onions, cider vinegar, and spices.

I was going to give you all a ketchup recipe from one of my most interesting cookbooks, going way back to 1979, called Better Than Store-Bought, about making all sorts of condiments and the like from scratch. But mercy, it was a very long recipe!

So instead, I'll clue you in as to the spices they used, in case you want to try making your own: garlic, salt, mustardseeds, whole allspice berries, stick cinnamon, whole black peppercorns, bay leaf, whole cloves, ground or whole coriander seed, celery seed, and dried red pepper flakes or hot sauce. The authors used paste tomatoes and added a mix of brown and white sugar instead of Bauman's preferred white grape juice concentrate. And I wasn't surprised to see that they'd tied all those whole spices into a cheesecloth bag and put it in the tomato mixture while it was cooking, then removed it before pouring the finished ketchup into jars and home-canning it.

Whether you buy your ketchup or make it at home, avoid the evil high-fructose corn syrup. As one of the actors in "To Hell with Ketchup" aptly notes, "It's depraved!"

       'Til next time,

                Silence

• Hockey is such a violent sport. CLICK HERE to watch some footage that I shot after the Montreal Canadiens beat the Boston Bruins in April 2008. The Haabs won the game and, after the game, riots broke out on the streets of Montreal. I caught a lot of the celebration and the beginnings of the riot. (2:26 minutes).

•Ever wonder what it is like to watch scaffolding go up on an 18-story building? CLICK HERE to watch (2:42 minutes).

• Sometimes it just doesn't pay to be original. I entered this video into the Heinz Top This TV Challenge. It didn't win. Surprise! The Heinz people initially banned the commercial because they didn't realize I was using stock footage. On the "half full" side, the video racked up 5,000 or so views -- not bad for a YouTube ketchup video.  CLICK HERE to watch the :30 second commercial.

• Everyone knows who is buried in Grant's Tomb but have you ever been inside of it? A colleague and I ventured out to create a video about the tomb and stumbled upon a choir singing inside of it. It's a bit long (7 minutes) but the choir is heavenly. CLICK HERE to watch.

yup that definitely satisfied my hamburger craving! for my personal reference and for anyone else who wants it, here's the recipe for the hamburger patty:

"in-n-out" animal-style mock burger recipe

ingredients:

• 1lb extra lean ground beef (or your personal fat content preference)
• 1/2 (139g) onion, minced
• 3 cloves (15g) garlic, minced
• 1 (57g) large egg
• 2T (19g) ketchup
• 1/2T garlic powder
• 1T worcestershire sauce
• 1t salt
• 1/2t ground black pepper

instructions:

1. saute onion and garlic (add garlic a little after onion because it tends to burn faster). [note: this step is what makes it an in-n-out animal-style mock burger, as in-n-out adds caramelized onions to their patties when you order "animal-style."]
2. mix rest of the ingredients and also add the sauteed onion & garlic.
3. form into 4oz (113g) patties.
4. heat a pan on medium-high heat and cook patty on each side.
5. enjoy as a hamburger!!.

nutritional information

serving size: 4oz (113g) raw

• calories: 133cal
• fat: 4g
• carbohydrates: 5g
• fiber: 1g
• sugar: 2g
• protein: 18g

i used a potato hamburger bun which i didn't like because it was too thick. i also may add another egg to the hamburger patty recipe next time so that the meat sticks together better - though it did stick together well enough as is. MMM and the tillamook cheddar cheese "made" this burger.

i divided the rest of the raw patty meat into separate 4oz (113g) to freeze and make whenever i get another burger craving. it divided up perfectly!

okay enough meat for now...=)

KISSonline.com is reporting:
"The KISS Coffeehouse is releasing KISS Hotter Than Hell Ketchup! The Coffeehouse will be sampling KISS Ketchup and fries at noon on September 6th. Bottles of KISS Habanero Ketchup will be on sale for $7.95 (US)."

It is a sad day when KISS is making condiments instead of new music.

Highlights

The first half of the week was warm and sunny, and completely justified my packing of tank tops, shorts, summer dresses and bathing suits. We hit the beach. Nanny taught Neener and Roo to (sort of) tread water. Squiggles bobbed around on the waves in her giant inflatable puppy dog boat. We had a bonfire, complete with weenies, s'mores, stargazing and a Bon Jovi sing-along. We went to a farm and fed bunnies, saw a llama, and bought vegetables that were so fresh I should have slapped them. I did a reading (an excerpt from this very blog) at a Writer's Federation event. I rocked the house, if I do say so myself. We went to a gorgeous ocean-side wedding of another friend from way back. Inexplicably, the sweet little girl I remembered had grown into a stunning young woman in what was surely only the blink of an eye. It was a '20's themed wedding and reception. The bride arrived in an antique car, the guests were dressed in flappers and pearls and hats and suspenders, and the reception was the epitome of romance, in black and white: a regular community centre transformed into an ultra classy party-o-rama, red roses on every table, and fountains of chocolate. Honest to god chocolate fountains, complete with fruit and skewers for dipping. One dark and one white. It was awesome. Mr. was sporting the all-black 20's gangster look complete with a pinstriped hat. Me? A blond bobbed wig, little black velvet hat, black shift dress, white pearls, black feather boa and fishnet stockings. One hot gun moll. We drank, we danced, we dipped strawberries in chocolate, and we generally rocked the house if I do say so myself. And I didn't even get sick! Yes, those were the highlights.

And now, for the...

Lowlights

The second half of the week was cold and rainy, which completely justified my packing of jeans, hoodies, raincoats and socks. Nanny taught Neener and Roo about how the Scottish used to stick thistle burrs beneath the saddle blankets of British horses to drive the horses insane, and I think Neener and Roo decided that they were the Scots and I was a British horse, and so made it their mission to try all manners of insanity inducing maneuvers on me, including Roo attempting to eat thistle burrs. Squiggles elected to wake up four, five or six times a night. The computer went berserk, so I was without access to my email, facebook, blog, work research, and civilization as a whole, it seemed. The interview I had set up for my latest writing assignment fell through at the last minute. Mr.'s latest fix-it project at the little house in the big woods was stymied by the mysteries of 30 year old electrical wiring, and much time was spent cursing, plunging the house into varying degrees of darkness, trying not to get electrocuted, more cursing, more darkness, and ultimately culminated in still-gaping holes left in the ceiling of the under-lit kitchen. Oh, and Mr. finally got the barfies. On our anniversary. Wooohoo. The dawn of our seventh year of marriage was spent with him in bed trying not to barf, and me in a rain-soaked, chilly, computerless, dimly lit house trying not to be driven insane by my trio of sleepless, yamming, thistle eaters. But, this is not the first time our anniversary plans have been waylaid by the barfies. Probably won't be the last. So we're making plans to go out to celebrate some other night. I might even haul out the blond bobbed wig and the fishnets for the occasion.

There. That pretty much sums up last week of our life. And now I can get back to writing about more important things. Like the meetings I'll be having next week at Neener and Roo's new school, in which I'll be trying to make sure that no one does anything stupid, like try to teach Neener the alphabet, or put a smiley face within a five mile radius of Roo. Or my surprising conclusion about weaning Squiggles. Or what I'm going to do about corn poop. That's right, corn poop. Curious? Me too. I'll keep you posted.

Sólo quiero decir que si yo pido "una hamburguesa con tomate y queso", NO QUIERO SALSA, QUIERO ÚNICAMENTE LO QUE PEDÍ, y en todo caso deberían ofrecerla y que cada persona decida, no obligarlas a tener que pedir especialmente sin condimento.

I'm going to attempt to catch you up on the Pizzadrop progress to this point.  After this post, Chad and I will be writing more regularly to keep you up to date...practically right after things happen!  This, however, is a longer 'catch-up' style post.

First off, my name is Jason Clark...and I at least claim to have a bunch of good ideas.  I guess that remains to be seen.  My momentum started when I moved to Denver over 4 years ago.  I got the inkling to submit a toy idea at TGIF 2004 in Las Vegas.  Chad (the same Chad) actually gave me the pep talk that gave me the confidence to predict success.  Sure enough - EVERYTHING I said would happen...happened.  I got first place, won money at the roulette table, and most importantly...met my wife Laura.

Very quickly after that, it seemed like I was coming up with an idea every other week or so.  One mistake - and let me repeat that...one MISTAKE I made was holding them close to my vest.  It wasn't until I started working with Chad that I began realizing the potential of my ideas.  Most relavent to this post...Pizzadrop!  So do me a favor...if you have good ideas - TELL PEOPLE ABOUT THEM...at least work with a close friend or something.

Chad and I are HUGE Iowa fans!  After deciding to give Pizzadrop a run for its money, we had a plan on testing the concept with Pagliai's in Iowa City.  Which, by the way, is without much argument - the best pizza at the University of Iowa.  We had things set up, we did our research, we got excited, we mailed Armond Pagliai some information...  Then we called him.  Unfortunately the call did not go as planned.  Mr. Pagliai is a VERY busy man - and could not fathom (hopefully just for now) taking on a proposition such as Pizzadrop.

As it turns out...that may have been a blessing in disguise.  We immediately shifted gears, and realized that we need to stick closer to home to make this work.  Our goal is now to make Pizzadrop a reality here in Denver with CSU and CU pizza places...and that's what we've set out to do.

(I've never been a short story-teller...hopefully this isn't too long, but also I hope that I'm getting you the gist of it...)

You're caught up.  Well, not really...

You're at least caught up to the point where we can post specifically about significant breakthroughs in our progress.  Here's the posts you can expect in the coming days:

Progress 02 - The CU/CSU game + T-shirts! (by Chad Kelly)

Progress 03 - The AlphaAlpha statements... (by Jason Clark)

Progress 04 - The Pizzadrop site... (by Jason Clark)

Progress 05 - The CU / CSU aftermath... (by Chad Kelly)

Stay tuned...we can't wait!

Me, I prefer the latter and I don't really know why.

Damned imperial measurement system. I am a metric child, born late enough to have only ever been taught millimetres and metres but early enough to still have bought fresh produce in pounds and ounces. I don't object so much to the transition to metric or the lingering half-status of the imperial system, but being raised exclusively with one means I'm usually stumped if an older butcher or grocer asks me how much of something I want. And this kind of crossword clue reminds me of one of minor annoyances of the imperial system - a four letter crossword entry with the clue "unit of length" could be "inch", "foot", or "yard". I'm not bothered about the inconsistency of the imperial system (twelve inches to a foot but three feet in a yard... I had to look that last one up), but I am frustrated that the three primary length measurements of the system all have four letters in them. It simply doesn't help with crosswords.

Looking up from my paper (crossword doomed to be no more than eighty percent completed, I can feel it) I observe the scene. I'm in Broadford, one of the less defined, less attractive and frankly straggly towns of Skye, and I'm waiting for a bus. Beneath grey skies, light rain is falling, and I've retreated to a Beinn Na Cailligh, a café on the outskirts of the village. There are three buses a day from the principal towns and villages of Skye to Glasgow, and I tried to catch the first one. Although the ticket I bought was flexible, the driver refused to let me board the earliest serviceon a technicality. Flexible ticket or not, mobile tickets have to be checked against the driver's manifest, so they're actually only valid on the booked bus.

The driver did give me a lift though, picking me up from the cloud of midges beside the road where I hailed the bus and bringing me a few kilometers down the road to Broadford. There was, at least, more chance of me passing two and a half hours here than where I'd tried to board the bus.

My walking tour of Broadford was concluded in about five minutes. The main road from the Skye Bridge up to the island's de facto "capital" of Portree passes through it, and there are a handful of minor streets on either side. For a brief stretch the road passes alongside what could have once been an attractive harbour, but just to cement the town's aesthetic mediocrity, a petrol station and aircraft-hangar of a supermarket were built between the road and the water. A handful of attempts at town beautification have produced some delicately designed parks, but the town's entire density is too low and the buildings are notable only for the functionality and weather resistance. Of all the towns to be stranded in the Hebredes, Broadford is not my choice destination.

But there are at least some retail opportunities, so I buy a paper and send a postcard, and once Beinn Na Cailligh has opened at nine o'clock, I saunter in for a cooked breakfast. I'm already damp and shivering, and the prospect of a meaty breakfast (black and white pudding included) cheers me. The coffee isn't bad either. There's an actual espresso machine, which probably tells you all about the expectations of modern holiday makers who visit Skye. I'd previously be told by a resident that amongst English tourists, Skye is a firm favourite with lower income groups (my interpretation of his words), a fact that seemed to be born out by the conversations I overheard in the café and the types of cars parked outside. There were others, however, with bemused Spaniards peering at the desert cabinet and an American woman flying in to get three cappucinos "to go".

Outside I spy some middle aged men who've pulled up in a silver car and who have stepped out to photograph a pair of buses that have pulled up at the stop outside. They snap a few pictures and then drive off, perhaps to catch the same bus further down the line. During the hour and a half that I spend in the café, I count almost twenty buses coming and going. Skye is phenomenally well served by public transport. Locals rub shoulders with tourists on most of the routes that connect the towns and villages of the island with the railway station at the other end of the Skye Bridge in Kyle of Localsh, and the ferry terminal at Armadale.

I clear my plate, finding black pudding much more digestable with brown sauce. The sauces come in small plastic sachets that are kept in little bowls on the table. I remember that it was around this time last year, on a Caledonian Macbrayne ferry not far from Skye, that I noticed something on the very same design of sauce sachets.

Each sauce packet was a little double sided envelope. One side, in white against the appropriate colour, was the written name of the contents. On the back was a photograph of the principal ingredient. So on the back of the tomato ketchup sachet were tomatoes. On the back of the mayoinnaise sachet were hard boiled eggs, de-shelled and cut in halves. What surprised me a year before, and what I remembered again that day, was the illustration on the back of the brown sauce sachet.

What would you expect to see on the brown sauce sachet? What are the primary ingredients of brown sauce?

When I first picked up one of these little brown packets, I was quite surprised by the illustration. I may be devoted consumer of brown sauce, but only because I find tomato sauce a little too tart and dull. I'd never really thought about what might actually give brown sauce its flavour.

According to these packets, the primary ingredients of brown sauce are apples and onions.

Whether or not this commercially prepared and packed brown sauce had ever come into contact with an apple or onion is open to debate. For all I know, it is quite possible it was just "red" sauce with extra vinegar and colourings. But the idea that once upon a time, brown sauce was freshly prepared with green apples and brown onions amused me, because it's only when I'm in the Scottish islands that I consider the origins of brown sauce.

Per 6 persone

300g petto di pollo lesso
200g polpa di granchio al naturale, in scatola
100 g tonno sott’olio, sgocciolato
60g di cetriolini sott’aceto
1 cespo di lattuga
1 vasetto di maionese
1 pizzico di Tabasco
2 cucchiai di Ketchup

----------------------------------------
Sfilettare finissimo il petto di pollo lesso, quindi mescolarlo alla polpa di granchio e aggiungere
qualche cetriolino sott’aceto affettato fine nel senso della lunghezza.
Lavare e tagliare la lattuga a listarelle grosse e unirla al pollo e al granchio.
Condire con mezzo vasetto di maionese a cui sono stati ben amalgamati il tonno passato, 2 cucchiai di
Ketchup e qualche goccia di Tabasco.
Servire l’insalata.

NOTA:
Il lavoro più lungo consiste nella sfilettatura del pollo che deve avere le stesse dimensioni delle fibre del
granchio. Ma ne vale veramente la pena...

Next up we've got my favorite only Fat Free Ranch.  This stuff seriously tastes great.  It's a little thick so I water it down.  I like my dressing to lightly coat each piece of lovely produce.

HOW DO I TURN MY PHOTOS!?!??!

Next we have...homemade noaddedsugar BBQ sauce and Ketchup.  The noaddedsugar storebought condiments are so damn expensive, and the homemade ones taste superior.  The BBQ recipe is from Marlene Koch's 365 sensational splenda recipes, the Ketchup is from http://genaw.com/lowcarb/evenbetter_heinz_ketchup.html except I used less clove and less allspice than she called for.  I made it once with full spices and ended up throwing it out.  Both of these get wizzed up in my trusty Magic Bullet.  Seriously guys, I use it every.day.  Hummus, whipped cottage cheese, icey drinks, pureed soups, pestos, the possibilities are ENDLESS!

again with

the side

ways

photos.

sorry.

boo.

Next is the cinnamon that I used in both the above "products".  This cinnamon is soooo much better than "canela molida" that you get from grocers.  I get it at costco.  It's called "Saigon Cinnamon".  The flavor is Ri.Dic.U.Lous.  Honest!  I put it in/on everything.

Oh we're nearing the end of my monsterproduct post.  These babies, it seems, the majority of you already know about.  I am posting them anyway.  They are the best "tortillas" flavaly and nutrionally as far as I'm concerned.  Also, in case you didn't know, they make great chips.  They get crispy in the microwave.  I cut em up into whatever size/shape pieces I desire, and place them on a PamSprayed plate.  Then I spray them with pam, sprinkle salt, cinnamon, splenda, chilipowder, whatever.  Nuke em for three and a half (3.5, yes) minutes.  Crispy and delicious.  This chip method is the reason that I always buy the "light multigrain" ones.  They have neutral flavor to start out with.  A blank canvas for culinary concocting, if you will.

Last one.  Promise.  I got a little product happy this morning.

Here we have Tofu Shirataki Noodles.  If you get the HungryGirl emails, you've surely seen these.  You gotta make sure to rinse AND dry them really well.  I nuke them by themselves for about 4 minutes before I add veggies, shreeimps (Bubba, anyone?), spices, etc.  I also always use kitchen shears to cut the noodles.  They are about 14 feet long.  No, they are not like real pasta.  That is why I like them.  Real pasta (and potatoes and bread for that matter) leave me feeling heavy and bloated.  Don't even bother with the Fettucine and Spaghetti shapes...the Angel Hair is the ONLY way to go!

Last night's dinner, as promised.  It will never get old.  Big salad.  Side flatout quesadilla with salsa to dip (got this craving from Em at www.glidingcalm.wordpress.com).  The quesadilla looks MUCH better than it tasted.  Wasn't really worth eating, but I was hungry, and I had a puppy to share a couple bites with.

I should have taken the salad picture before adding dressing.  Oh well.  It had: broccoli (of course, all my meals do!  I go through 5 pounds a week, no joke.  Love it), red onion, tomatoes from my garden, a storebought roma, romaine, redleaf, garden cucumber, boar's head chicken breast sliced up, a couple nuked eggwhites, salt, peps, the ranch from above, and the homemade BBQ from above.  So delish.  OH!  Then halfway through I added Sriracha.  Brilliant.  Second half = ten times better!

I seriously don't know how people blog like, eight (8, yes) times daily.  I feel like I need a nap after this post.  Though I do feel a sense of accomplishment.  Take that, BLOG!

So I end up at the Fireman's Arms Bar, a British Pub, after my 2nd day of teaching.  I ask why every restaurant here has pizza, locals respond that it's "fast food"...of course it's everywhere.  Note:  it would be like McD's and Burger King had pizza at home...which is not happening.  Anyway, I mention that I like cheeseburgers, and they INSIST that I have a "proper" cheeseburger..which I'm of course happy to oblige them.  Then, the bartender brings ketchup, and they say, "bring her the REAL stuff"...and the bartender comes back with All Gold, a sweeter tomato sauce.  It's quite good!  (I think I'm starting to speak AND write like South Africans now...)

I'm a bikeman. A man of bike. I know how to get the wheels pumpin' so nothing can stand between me and the mall. I've decided to jot down some pretty major ways to pimp your ride if you wanna get the ladies scream'n and the crowd jumpin':

1. Windshield. Every sweet ride has a tinted windshield. Think of it as like sunglasses for your bike. It also protects you if you want to go off-roading. Sometimes I take my bike into the woods and ride it on dirt or rocks. That's how I get my masculine calves. The windshield can protect against people throwing things at you, the sun, rocks, rain, and crumbs.

2. Rims. Always get rims on your wheels. It's especially sweet if they spin even when you're not ridin'. It gives the effect of going really fast, even if you're ridin' really slow because your mom made you stop at the store to pick up Hunt's Ketchup and you don't want it to spill.

3. Rims on your training wheels. Ok, so some of us still need a little help with the two wheeler. Rims on the training wheels lets everyone know you're tough as nails.

4. Ridin'. Never use the "g" when you say "riding your bike." People think you're tough and from East Swedshon. You can also say you're going Scootin'.

5. Lights. Get one for the front and one for the back, preferably blinking in different colors such as blue, green and red. That way people think you just came from the club. Also, everyone thinks you're ridin' at night (even if you're not).

6. Helmet. Don't wear it. Ok, you can wear it until you're at the end of your block but then take it off and leave it behind Mr. Crestebutte's bush. If you do wear a helmet (loser), it should be in the shape of a long teardrop like the ones they use for luge. It should be aerodynamic and cover your entire face so you can steal things from the corner store like Big League Chew and Hersheys.

7. Handles. They should go straight across. The handles that curl are for gays. If you can get brakes on the handles, more power to ya. My brakes are still on the pedals but whatever. Handle bars should be neon colors- preferably green.

8. Bell. There should be a picture of Batman or the superhero of your choice (male) on the bell. The bell should be rung often to alert everyone that there's a new boss in town.

9. Basket. Black and with no flower. If it comes with a flower, rip it off and throw it at someone to show that you're tough and don't like flowers.

10. Tassels. I recommend black leather tassels that blow in the wind when you ride really fast.

11. Ridin' fast. Do it whenever possible. The goal is to ride so fast that people can't see your feet peddling. it's an optical illusion.

So that's my guide to ridin bike. Use it or lose it.

Lance.

previously: Featured Bio - Lance MaGirk

AUGUST 14: I went to orientation at UCO. If I had known that I'd spend 5 hours playing games requiring more flexibility than I have at age 44, I wouldn't have gone. It wasn't anything like I expected at all! It was all geared towards true college freshmen, ages 18 and 19. I felt like the oddball. I could have saved $50 done something else on Thursday.

AUGUST 15: I spend most of this day looking for apartments, running errands for Mom, and fielding phone calls from Daniel's girlfriend.

AUGUST 16: I finally got my financial aid money, and Monday, I have to buy more books. Oh. Freakin. Joy.

I also went and kinda sorta surprised Chaz at his place. I spent about three hours there, and we talked and did other stuff (mostly watching the Olympics).

School starts tomorrow.

eep!

Larry once told me that what scares me about new experiences is the unknown. I have to remember that. I do want to succeed at UCO and I do want to get my Bachelor's. It's going to take a lot of hard work, encouragement (always welcome, BTW), and stamina. I'll be happy if I can walk from one class to another without feeling like I'm going to die. UCO is considerably larger than Rose State!

I'm at Panera Bread in Edmond at 15th Street and Bryant, freezing my ass off. On top of all that, I have a cold.

Lovely.

That's all from where I sit (it says in the fine print).

--MorelaterZ--

Hooray, Heinz has come out with Organic Ketchup without HFCS.  Instead of HFCS, organic sugar is used.  It tastes exactly the same.  This is the only ketchup I will buy from Heinz now.