It's upsetting really in my case, it's heartbreaking... simply because I think he does not care anymore.. I am in a lot of pain.. maybe I deserve it for all those fights I've caused.. maybe it's coming back to me. I once thought a friend of mine the art of silent treatment... I was good at it. I'm not saying that it should be used to hurt that other person. I'm not saying that it should be used so you can get what you want from someone. I have used it on countless times because I had to...

I had to use it because I'm not the type of person who will yell back at someone so upset in an argument... although thru the course of this relationship that I currently have, I have been molded to be that.. Now he despises me.. he's close to hating me.. I can't bear that fact... Its kills me just thinking he dose not want me in his life anymore. What's even worse is I have to see him everyday...

I miss taking care of him... I miss having someone to hug at night... I miss he's mid day calls just checking on me... I miss his snore that has been my lullaby for the last month... I miss saying I love you...

I did not take him for granted.. I never did and I never will but I guess he'll never know that...

He's never know that despite the fights, I wouldn't want to be with anyone else but him that at the end of the day, his kisses would be the last thing I want before I go to sleep.

He's gone for good...

It's raining here now in my place at least something agrees with me..

In the article it states that:

"Mr Barnett claimed one of the reasons that he had disliked the Labor government’s logo was that it pictured a globe with WA on it, but did not reflect any of our nearby Asian trading partners.

He said this sent the wrong message to our trading partners about the Government’s view of the world."

Okay... so let's have a gander at the 'old' logo then:

Pretty funky really - for a govt logo.

And the 'new' look:

*Snore!*

Now forgive my mirth, but for the life of me I can't see our two red kangaroos (complete with boomerangs: No Australian Coat of Arms is complete without a boomerang, and the more the better!), nor our black swan pointing all the more clearly to our "nearby Asian trading partners" - can you?  Maybe it's in the way they crane their necks?

Yep, couldn't agree more with you more Colin - let's not be wasting taxpayers dollars on change for changes sake eh?!  I'm so lucky to be able to fund and support such a fine Western Australian Government.  Next time I see my mate Colin, I'll just have to thank him for having such 'vision' and 'foresight'!

Sheesh!

Belongum - Out!

So many evenings we would just go on about what ever. Mostly her joy of flying and my transition. She was always so good to me and never asked me for anything. She encouraged me and made me feel better a few times when I was really down. She leaves behind 3 children and 7 grandchildren and her brother. Her brother said he will send me a video of her at her birthday party and a picture for me to have. But I will never see her smile or hear her laugh. If only I could have just hugged my friend. If only we could have had that time.

All my friends are special to me online or off. They give me life and strength. I have lost someone very special... she was my friend.  I have never lost a friend like this. Tragedy is a part of life I have never really experienced before. I had just talked to her probably not even an hour or two before the accident. She had just gotten home from being away on business. She was so very happy to be home. She was so alive.

I am so numb. I cant stop crying. It hurts so bad.

despite hurt and clouded feelings that hold
raindrops of lack of consideration and disappointment,
if I had to choose between
my blood and my buddies,
i know to who i'd make a commitment.

Friends:
people with whom you have fun
and fill time
for certain seasons.

Family:
those you are permanently linked to
and love
without reason.

Have You Forgotten - Anna Salisbury 08-10-08

Have you forgotten the times you put me down,

When I would hide my face walking around town.

Have you forgotten the times when you forgot to pick me up after school,

When I was 9 sitting lonely and scared waiting for you.. looking like a fool.

Have you forgotten the times I cried myself to sleep,

When your words repeated in my head when all I could do was weep.

Have you forgotten the nightmares I had, the pain I held inside,

When your face's all haunted me, unwanted memories screaming while I cried.

Have you forgotten the first time you saw my arms,

When from that day on my lies began to combine with my charms.

Have you forgotten that your believing every single lie I tell,

When the truth would be told if only you asked, cause we both know i'm not doing well.

Have you forgotten that I have no happy memories from my childhood,

When you allowed me to be medicated at age 10, my leg's would twitch as I stood.

Have you forgotten that I chose to be in foster care just to get away from you,

Have you forgotten.. Because I haven't.

Tell me what you think about it okay.

xx

A.

Here's the evening they were talking about, when the song "Overcome" was recorded live...

Nothing gave me solace. I don't know why I raked up everything today, every hurt, every argument, every word said in anger.

My interactions with men have always been volatile, I now know that they were abusive. Each time I tried to convince myself that it would be different, that I would not get hurt, but I was wrong. I was not healthy, so I was attracting people like me, they were unhealthy, dysfunctional.

I asked myself so many questions. What happened to my life? Why is my life this way? Why am I feeling so sad? Why did these men not love me?

I found the answer, I need to love myself, I have to love myself, there can only be pain for me, if I do not love myself. I have been searching for a love that does not exist inside of me, so how could I possibly find it elsewhere. I looked to my family for it, my friends too, I became demanding in relationships and yet I felt empty, soulless because the love I wanted was not there.

Everyone could see that I did not love myself enough, they grew tired of trying to make me happy, it was all too much. How can someone else love you, if you don't love yourself?

I just need to be alone for a little while, to clear my head. I just want to know what it feels like to be me, to be accepted for who I am.

The anger I feel right now is so intense, it hurts and I need to let it go.

My feelings were wariness and anxiousness. My needs behind these were freedom, autonomy and space. I can't remember the trigger.

I cried and was so happy that I cried as it was my body's way of telling me, all is not right. I sat with those needs for a while then went back to bed to sleep.

Today my feelings are a little different.

When I remember my boyfriend saying, "I'm in a relationship and I'm not happy with my life" on Saturday, I'm feeling annoyed, worn out, and concerned for myself. My needs are acceptance for who I am, self-expression and understanding. Therefore I'm giving myself permission to have this week alone to connect with myself.

Jackal Show:
I'm having a hard time balancing between looking after myself and supporting my boyfriend. While he is stressed and concerned about his work and talks to me about it, I've gotten so caught up in trying to 'fix' him or help him that I've let my own life get disorderly (haven't been to gym in a while, messy room, messy garage, files not in order, etc.). I'm so tired of hearing negativity from him I just want to get away from him and recuperate! If I could just support him by listening and giving empathy and not taking on responsibility for his concerns then I'm sure it would be easier to be around him.

I must find a way to support without taking on...

How?

-Be real with me.
-When something is bothering you, you come and tell me right then instead of waiting til’ the spur of a heated conversation to tell me.
-Realize just cause I’m not smiling doesn’t mean I’m mad, especially when I’ve told you that "I’m not mad", or "You’ll know when I’m mad".
-Can play video games with me, I’m very competitive sometimes.
-Compliments me every once in a while. (I don’t even know what that feels like ever since I left Jason).
-Tell me how they feel about me, cause I’ll surely tell you what I feel about you.
-Don’t try and make me do something I just already said no to.
-Can keep a conversation going.
-Even probably if you see me everyday, you still say hi or something instead of running straight to the tv or the computer.
-Communicates real damn well. Cause if something is wrong, I want to know. Cause you may never know, I might of been there before.
-Has a great sense of humor. Especially with me, cause I’m goofy as hell when given the time to be.
-Is interested in the things I do and have the same interests as me just about.
-Loves music as much as me and doesn’t trip if I got the speakers up too loud or the tv.
-Will and can watch Cartoons with me. I’m still a kid at heart.
-Listens to me when I’m spilling my heart out and comforts me when I’m down or feeling said about something.
-Other than just being girlfriend and boyfriend but a friend/best friend too, I mean damn, we don’t have to be all hugged up and kissed up all the time, even though I wouldn’t mind that but shit I should be able to come to you about something serious.
-Isn’t goofy majority of the time I’m with you and don’t speak or act bouge cause I’m quiet and shit.
-Knows how to have fun or spark up something fun.
-Likes to wrestle and don’t give up too easily cause you think I hurt you/me.
-Isn’t too all up on sex and realize sex doesn’t make up the whole relationship.
-Understands me and who I am. I’m not like the average broad you’ll see with a pack of broads and shit.
-Will sometimes go to church with me. I need to start going back and shit my damn self. I’ll be going this Sunday.
-Knows how to give me friendly criticism and advice.
-Knows when I’m serious or just joking.
-Takes time to get to know each other and not rush into anything.
-Understands that I have male friends and they’ll come over once in a while especially if you work all the time and barely have time for me.
-You don’t have to trust me but don’t be too skeptical, cause I myself has trust issues.
-Doesn’t just right away say "you’re my girlfriend now".Expecting me to go along with it.

-Congratulate me on things big or small.
-Enjoy being around me and loves my company.
-Knows how to kiss. I’ll tell you quick, "you don’t know how to kiss". Or "I don’t like kissing you". Thats just me. It annoys me when I get forced to kiss even when I tell you a hundred times, "Stop, I don’t want to kiss you". I’m not really the kissing type anyway.
-Is very romantic.
-Have wonderful style in clothes. (Big Turn-On).
Mostly, just communicate with me and be a friend. Shit I don’t ask for much.

Well since I heard the news about my Uncle, I've been keeping to myself and trying to keep myself busy. My Uncle hasn't came home yet. I did notice though how my grandmother went all out her way to make her son comfortable...even going to buy him a brand new bed-set from Rent-a-center, but she couldn't even help me pay for my 42" tv that had to go back? Bullshit.

I'm promising myself, the next time I move out, there will be no moving back this will be my last time . Today, I felt what it would feel like if I wasn't here. I'm fine with that. Sometimes I wish I wasn't in my own skin so I kind of knew what it felt like all along. I don't know what let me put up with their bullshit. I don't what made me keep coming back. Seeing that my siblings are getting better with their attitudes and they're maturing up a little bit at a time. I have no reason to be here and they have no reason for me to be either.

I'm up in my room half of the time, mind as well say I'm not here. Mind as well be invisible. Mind as well leave, its like I already left. Half the time they think I'm gone so I mind as well be.

---

Let me straighten one thing out with the situation of you asking me to go out. Two times you've asked me to go out and I'm not counting the times you invited me to your church. The movies? Remember that Adam, I see you don't. Two times you asked me and suggested that we go see a movie. Two times you called and told me you couldn't do it cause you had things to do. Two times you called and told me we would have to do it another time. So to sit here and throw that bullshit at me was pathetic. Your attempt to finally "confront" me is failing miserably. Anyway...

---

I don't like taking or receiving gifts. Thats just how I am. You get offended of it, thats not my problem Adam. As a person you are suppose to respect that, you're suppose to realize maybe I was raised different. Being that you're a Church-goer I thought you would understand that, but its pretty obvious that you don't. No one over this way never said that you've asked me or took a lot from me. You're acting as if I stabbed you in your eyes and you can no longer see that you've hurt yourself and caused these dilemma's in your life.

---

I don't care about you thinking of what you thought I was. Things like that you supposed to know. Well; maybe I know how to read people better than you, but I knew who you were just listening to you in that bus stop that morning. I have a gift a lot of people don't have. I can understand where you're coming from better then the person explaining it can. I can myself in people's shoes and know exactly how they're feeling. Unlike you; yea, I know what you're going through. I don't care though. Want to know why? Of course you do. Its cause, you made up these assumptions about me, you assumed right away that I was this person you thought you knew. You hurt yourself, I had no part in it. I'll get to why I haven't answered your calls in a second; be patient. I know you're probably sitting there reading this and the pain and feelings that I put there in your heart is coming back. But guess what? I don't care about that either cause you helped put it there.

---

Okay, this not calling me for a week bullshit. First of all, if you're mad at me; why wouldn't call me and tell me right then instead of waiting a whole month to come out with it? People put themselves in the past so much they don't realize that they're constantly hurting themselves in the process. Not calling me does nothing to me being that no one ever calls me. It also don't assume when someone doesn't call me that they're mad at me. Where ever you got that idea that not calling someone is showing you're mad from, you need to chalk it. Give it back to the dealer cause that shit they gave you was some false fake shit. If anything, I just thought you were busy. Oh, I'll get around to where I was and what I was doing, How I was and all that detailed shit in a minute. Calm down, you don't have nothing else to do but to read this. What you rushing for me to get to the point for? Anyway...

---

Being frank is what I'm doing now. Being hurt is what you are right now. Again, you hurt yourself. (Notice how I put all my responses to your bull in pieces? Thats so you don't get lost in shit YOU'VE said. Don't lose me). Anyway, you can kill all that noise; I mentioned all that shit above. No need to keep repeating myself. I will say this though; how does it feel to hurt yourself unintentionally? Can you actually sit there and say that all this pain you put yourself in; is all your doing? No cause you're too busy pointing the finger, but you didn't realize I held a mirror up right in front of you. Did you? No, you didn't. Your mind and heart is in two different places. Your mind is wondering and your heart is hurting. Well you've had almost a month to get over it. Still hurt?

---

Yea, I'm being blunt and some-what arrogant, but I have to do this to people who think they have me all summed up when its more to me than meets the eye. Not once have I lied to you though. If I bought it, its mine. Now I'm not even gone go further into that. I shouldn't have to break-down everything to you, do I?

---

Man, reading your jumbled sentences is hard but I can manage. Lets see where do I start with the next subject. Okay Okay, I got a question do you fall for love easily? How you love me in that short of time? Or are you just saying that cause you don't have no other way to describe your feelings? If thats how you express yourself, you need to reevaluate yourself. Seriously. I would get into why I think you don't/didn't love me but thats unnecessary, no need to add more fuel to the fire that you've started. Anyway, Me being trustworthy? Untrustworthy? Went? Weren't? Well, WHAT EVER you were trying to say it went through one side of my mind and out the other.

---

Its funny how you say that I broke up with you cause I didn't answer your calls. Reading this shows me how much you've hurt yourself with your own assumptions. I'm laughing at you cause you're so blind. Why you constantly feel that you should point the finger when you let so much time go by before you actually said something? I'm asking questions but I don't expect you to answer any of them so don't try; it'll just be more bad English I can't understand. Why waste time on things like that when its already irrelevant to me, right? Right.

---

You know its time to tell you where I was, how I've been, what I was doing, why and all that other detailed shit that you're so "anticipating" to know about. See, I got really ill within the time that I last saw you and now. If you knew me or took into consideration about the information you already knew about me. You would of had better assumptions to come up with instead of saying all this bullshit that you yourself don't even believe. Anyway, I got sick and my grandmother had my phone, I told her don't answer it just let it ring and people can leave a message. You know when I got the phone back. It was 50 messages. Not one from you and most of them were from my best-friend and my boyfriend. But then he wasn't my boyfriend then. Anyway, you so called "loved" me but you called me numerous times and you couldn't leave a message? No no, don't message me back saying that you did. I don't want to read it. (See how I dismissed that? Yea, I do that a lot, cause unlike you when I assume; I assume shit MOST typical humans do). Yea well I left Ohio for awhile to get away from things. My Uncle friend took me to Arizona, (its very pretty and quiet there by the way.) I didn't have a care in the world, and not once did I think of anyone back here in Ohio. That was the main reason for leaving, was to get my head away from here and it worked. I was in a wheelchair most of the time cause I couldn't walk without falling. For a minute I didn't even know who the hell I was and thought it was January. When my memory came back though, I cried cause I wish it hadn't. (I haven't cried in yrs.) So, basically I got ill and didn't want to be bothered. Got back here and my ex was in my room and I was surrounded by roses, stuffed animals, gifts all from him. That was the day I took him back. (Forgot all about you til you messaged me just now. Damn did I just say that?) Well back to the subject at hand, you assumed I hurt you. I could of been dead. But no no you rather make yourself the victim and pull the cards you've pulled. Which left you with a bad poker hand by the way.

---

"I would come by your house if I thought you really wanted to see me but if you dont want to speak I assume you definatly dont want to see me anymore." - Seriously; what in the fuckity fuck fuckery, were you talking about? I'm not even gone press that issue cause you lost me when I got to that part of the paragraph. At least proof-read shit before you send it to someone who have a 0-tolerance to trying to understand shit like what you just said. I'll bypass that shit and act like I didn't see it. But that shit was funny. I almost fell out my chair laughing. That sentence was so run-together I'm surprised my computer let me read it. (You spelled definately wrong by the way.)

---

You want what to work out? From the previous fucked up sentences it says I broke up with you. So How we gone let anything work out when we aren't together? WAIT A MIN! When in the hell did I become your girlfriend? Where was I at? We talked about it but not once did you realize if the feeling was mutual or not. I love how you keep hurting yourself. I haven't seen anything in this message that proved that I'm the one that hurt you.

---

I stepped on you? You're taller than me, how the fuck I step on you? (Sorry, I had to do it since that whole message you sent me been a joke anyway, mind as well add my own joke in there some where. LMAO!). Not once did I take advantage of your kindness. From my point of view, the only thing I considered kindness in this whole deal is only things decent people do. You didn't do anything special. You're a decent guy. I've met a kind guy, he's my best friend. Now thats a kind ass man. He goes out his way and knows me from head to toe and half the time I don't even know what he's up to until he hands me a gift or do something spectacular. But YOU?!?! You did normal decencies. Thats it. Don't give yourself so much credit where it isn't due. You've tried to make me see you as the victim when all I see you as is a person who had his head in the clouds and don't know have a clue to what half the shit he messaged with me means.

---

So let me be even more of an arrogant bastard and say this. I don't know you, you don't know me, I never seen you, you've never seen me, you don't have my number, I don't have yours (I really don't), I never talked to you before, you never talked to me, I never messaged you, you never messaged me, I don't miss you, you don't miss me. You don't exist. (See unlike you, I can move on cause I got a grip on reality at a young ass age.) Life has a lot of bullshit in it and people don't how to deal with it. Well I finally don't have that problem any more. I don't understand why you even messaged me. You should of just moved on. You do a lot of think and assuming so you mind as well think of a way to move the hell on. I don't even know what I moved on from but I did. I'm boggled that after that message though you added "I miss you." If I "hurt" you, why would you miss me? You look like a female in abusive relationship but don't want to leave cause she "loves" him. Yea, same difference.

---

You know, I didn't have to be so harsh in this message but when you sit and try to be Ms. Cleo and tell ME who I am and what I did then you need to be checked on by that. Normally I would of laughed at this message of yours and deleted it. But sense we share a few other things besides these messages, I felt it was my duty to finish doing something I never started. As you go through life, you gone remember what I've said and gone realize the shit was/is true and next time, you won't hurt yourself. You will find things about that person that THEY DID that HURT YOU. Not some damn sap story thats the total damn opposite. Which really is opposite cause I'm not hurt to the least. Well physically I am but emotionally and mentally; I'm not. I'm strong as fuck. My life and the shit I've gone through, been through, is going through is forcing me to be the person I am. I don't need to you trying to fix something that's not even broke. You're just a person that I shouldn't of gotten close to. I wish I never met you for the simple fact, I hurt you but I didn't, you hurt yourself which results in me hurting you. Yea, this message stung and I don't care. You provoked it, well I just choked it and killed it.

---

Well, now that you got all your questions answered. I shouldn't see a message from you period. It would be deleted, unread; whatever. It won't be acknowledged. I'm gone add you to my myspace though, just out of humor. Lol. Get your hopes up for a lost cause.

---

I sound like a total ass don't I? Well don't read too much into the font. I'm still the same ole me. But then again, I could be an ass and don't know it. You be the judge.

-Asilee-

----------------- Original Message -----------------

I dont get you. you say you want someone to love you as much as you give them love I come and give you as much love as a broken heart can but you kept pushing me away. I would want to take out but you wont want to go I try to get you things you want but you say you dont want them. I never took anything from nor really asked for anything. I give give give in relationships I thought you may be different but I guess not. then you lied to me about your hair which really did not matter to me I love you for you. I didn't call you for like a week after that to show you I was upset that you went being trust worthy about something I was mad nor did I want to break up with you. you broke up with me you stopped answer my phone calls and everything what am I to do. just be frank with me if you didn't want to see me anymore all you had to do was pick up the phone and say "This aint gone work out" and I'd have to accept it. but you left me in lembo I would come by your house if I thought you really wanted to see me but if you dont want to speak I assume you definatly dont want to see me anymore. I really wanted this to work I tired of beening stepped on in relationships and you was the first to take advantage of my kindness. message me back so we can talk.
I miss you

Okay anyway, my mom is only a woman with a title. I don't know who she is except that she dropped out of college when she first got refund check and used it for alcohol and a VCR. She was a crack addict, started with my first youngest sister and ended with my youngest sister. Gave me and my brother alcohol fetal syndrome. I can't remember numbers worth shit. He can't read. I can read my ass off, he's like a damn calculator. Even though my mom did all this to us, we're still able to smart as fuck. The youngest out the 5 has graduated from high school or is going to graduate from high school with impressive ass grades. Anyway, my mom isn't perfect and I seriously don't believe she deserves that title. Anyone can mistakenly get pregnant and have kids. But it takes a woman like my grandmother to be mom. I didn't have the luxury of being the type that didn't have to want for nothing. Yea, I was abused A LOT and have the scars as a reminder. Through all of that and even the fact my mom screwed my head over. I'm still me and people still seem to love me or like me. Not only is my name Unique but people say I am too. I don't know if thats a blessing from the Alcohol Fetal Syndrome or what not but I guess.

Out of 21 birthdays and Christmas's my mom has ruined 17 of them. I just don't get her. She's been to rehab over 250 times. Get out, wait a week and go back to drinking. Even when we even told her we didn't like her drinking, she'll sneak the shit in the house and do it anyway. Then in the same ass funky ass breath she'll say she love us. Yea the fuck right...I'm with little faith as of right now. I don't know if the abuse I've gotten as a child and all up til I was 18 has caused me to be more hostile than normal. Its a lot of things wrong with me but its only a problem when its provoked. I'm over emotional too. I just can't seem to cry unless I'm truly pissed. When I'm sad its like I ignore that emotion. I'm aggressive but I'm not I don't what you call it at the moment. I'm not one of those type that'll rub and hold you and shit or try to soothe you and shit. I rather just tell you to get the fuck over it and suck the shit up. But that shit is showing me that what they've done to me I'm doing to others and only cause of that is cause thats all I knew.

Then I get these men in my life that lie to my face or half try and shit. Then on top of that half hear me. Swear up and down that I didn't say or tell them half the shit I knew I told them. When I'm hurt or in pain, I remember that especially if I'm arguing with someone or if I'm upset and I tell someone something. But sometimes when it comes to remembering the good things; its a got damned blur. I can remember getting jumped clear as day faster than I can remember a wonderful day at the park. Its seems like I rather deal with abuse in a relationship too. Its not them abusing me in a sense, its me sticking around and letting shit I don't like slip by all because I prefer giving people more than 3 chances. I used to hate when my mom tried to tell me things about a man. Like yea you was a prostitute and thats how all 5 of us got here cause you needed away to pay for your habit and all but don't try to school me on shit when you couldn't even help my grandmother take care of your own kids. You sat and watch your mother struggle with us. When all the hell you did was drink and get high. I still have that damn burn mark where your ass sat a cigarette on my leg. That shits still there. I'm only 9 months, in a ragged ass apartment in the middle of the winter, I'm next to a open window in a crib while your ass is under a pile of blankets sleep. If it wasn't for that man to take me from that building, no telling how more unstable I would be. I sometimes hate my mom but it don't last long cause I'm not the type to hate folks. I don't like using that word either. I seldom use it. But recently being in this relationship I'm in has caused me to do use it a lot and it makes me wince every time I say it. Unlike how my family treat me...I started off as a piece of coal and as they kept fucking with me...I turned into a diamond with a lot of flaws. I can't catch a break period. My mom is the root too all my agony. I look at her and look at me, only thing we got in common is we both have eczema and like salad. Everything else I wouldn't even know, I don't talk to her she don't talk to me.

I don't know if I need advice or what on this situation. I pray and all. Its just some things need to be done without God's help. He can't solve all my problems. I have to make that happen. I can't hold my hands together and look up at the ceiling every time shit hits the fan.

Affectionate was the word I was looking for earlier. I don't know how to be that. I try but I feel weird like I shouldn't be doing it.  Unlike my boyfriend, I do try and do make progress. Its just this affectionate shit, its a damn struggle cause I don't know what to do about that.

-Sigh- I need advice.

i have not slept through the night, in weeks. i am getting these 3 day migranes, that only go away with shots. i am forgetting that i have to meet people. i have not even started packing, and i leave in 11 days. i am so extremely tired, and have absolutely no engergy left. i have forgotten who i am in God's eyes. when i go to church, i lose concentration the most. and this is all my fault. i need to not feel sorry for myself, there are people who are going through much more than i am. i dropped out of school. i am no longer a cheerleader. i am no longer a dancer. and on top of that- i quit my job. im leaving my best friends, my school, my job, my church ( that i was JUST getting comfortable with), and most importantly- my family. my sisters. my baby sister, whom clings to me. typing all this, just gave me a huge knot in my stomach, a lump in my throat. tears welded. im broken. but i have to keep going. i am strong. and i can get through this. i can't feel god, i can't hear him, im fairly angry with him, i KNOW who he is, and i KNOW he is real, what im having trouble with is letting him have all my heart ( i want to give him half, and let me control half, why cant we share? compromise?), letting him take control of my life. i know that he is so loving, but i question why. and of all the times ive messed up. of all the times ive told him i hated him. he still has open arms, WHAT?! i don't understand. and wait. i am spost to love him more than i love my sister? goodnesss!

maybe once i get settled in at my dads, things will fall in place, and god will CELARLY reveal the reason i am there. or maybe he will CLEARLY tell me im in the wrong place...or...yeah. maybe ill just stay like this. and fill my head with wondering about everything all the time.

wow. sometimes, it feels really good to get things out. i feel much better.

Forgiveness has no limits. And no conditions.

Unforgiveness destroys other people.

Unforgiveness destroys yourself.

Unforgiveness makes innocent people suffer.

OK, here's a funny one:  Forgiving enemies messes with their heads.

...

Unforgiveness... it is something that is both natural and destructive to the human body and soul.  We were not designed to hold grudges:  The defensive chemicals released when a recurring negative thought goes through one's mind is destructive.  However, sin makes us want to hold on to and justify our feuds.  Lots of stuff has happened in my life recently.  And there are a couple of people I need to forgive, and a couple of people I would like to forgive me, but I need to forgive them for their unforgiveness.

The first thing that comes to mind is Anna's parents.  You do not read blogs.  You do not know how I feel.  Yet, writing it down somehow means I forgive you.  So here goes:  I forgive you.  I forgive you because I blamed you for much of the stress in my relationship with Anna.  You were one of the main reasons that Anna and I did not get married on the spot.  And, subsequently, I might have blamed you for her untimely (or timely) death.  If we had gotten married, she, for sure, would have come down with me and would never have gone on such a trip.  But this line of thought is foolishness.  This could never have been your intention nor responsibility.  I forgive you.

Perhaps next, surprisingly, is my good friend Amy.  I forgive you, though you did nothing directly wrong.  You encouraged me to stop speaking with Anna only a few days before she left.  I must admit that I was angry with you because those were precious days with her I never had the chance to experience.  But it was ultimately my decision, and, in an ideal world, would have been the correct decision.  I forgive you.

I also need to ask some out there for forgiveness.  To those of you who reached out to me and I shot down.  And those of you I asked for help and then appeared unappreciative.

I thought that would make me feel better, but I've said it before.  So there must be more eating away within me.  Because I have lashed out at so many of you.

I don't think you want me to use your name, but I forgive you.  You know who you are - I used to think I would one day marry you.  And even though it wasn't wrong of you to turn me down or take back your offer when you made it, it felt like you wronged me, and I forgive you.  Then I used to think we could be good friends.  And we went into this arguing and stuff and finally you stopped talking to me.  And I felt disrespected, but I forgive you for that.  And then I blamed you.  I did blame you.  You said that you were hurt over the summer.  And yet, I blamed you.

Why didn't you tell me you were hurt?  If you told me I would have stopped!  If you told me all this could have been averted!  But you used this lousy passive-agressive-love-me-testing inaction where you sat in silence and harbored it against me.  As if you had told me that you were being hurt by me.  And I blamed you for killing our friendship.  I felt like you wronged me.  I forgive you.

I felt like you built me up only to hurt me later.  I forgive you.

And now I have to show you my love and keep this partnership going as if you are a thousand miles away and five centuries in the past:  Like I know who you are, but not where or how to talk with you.  I pray for you.  I pray for you every opportunity when I can remember; praying that you would grow deeper in love with my God.  But this is so difficult for me, and seems so minimalistic.  It feels like you have taken away blessings that never existed, yet.  I forgive you.

I forgive you for asking personal questions to me about Anna even though you wouldn't let me ask anything about you.  I forgive you for not disclosing all of your feelings straight-up even when I thought I did.  I cannot forgive you enough.  I cannot be forgiven by you enough.

And now I ask you to forgive me and release me:  Forgive me for blaming you.  Forgive me for being pushy.  Forgive me for helping to dismantle those future blessings.  Forgive me for holding this against you.  Forgive me for trying to reconcile this.  Forgive me for ever making you think that you are less than you are.  You are one of the most amazing people I know.  Forgive me for making any and all promises I can and cannot keep to try to be your friend again.  Forgive me for shooting for the moon.  Forgive me for dreaming.  Forgive me for implying I would love and forgive you only if you came back to be my friend.  And you don't even read through my blog, but maybe this will somehow get to you.

Because I love you.

I love all of you, and I commit to pray.

*sigh* I miss so much.

I have seen cases where the guilty party has tried to express their remorse through words and deeds, and the injured party has refused to accept those gestures.  It seems that sometimes people revel in being the victim and the sympathy that that affords them.  Sometimes the trauma gives a person an excuse not to fully participate in their lives.

At the end of the day, it is your life and the decision of how to live it and how to allow other people to impact it (even family members) lies firmly with your power and control, so choose to live your life fully despite other peoples opinions and actions.

I find this carries over to pastoring people in that I want to know what makes a person tick.  What are the underlying issues of a person's life that cause what is seen on the surface.  I like to fix things and part of fixing things is knowing what is underneath and how it works. 

God is really good at fixing things since He is the creator of all things.  He sees the root of everything.  Why don't we take things back to the manufacturer more often.  God does a much better job of keeping His creation in tip-top shape than we do.  However, we will stubbornly keep trying only to make things worse.  Just break down and do it - take your stuff back to Him so He can fix it and quit pointing fingers and saying, "You broke my stuff on purpose.  I don't like you anymore!"  OK, sarcasm, but true.

Moment of truth.  We do a great job judging others and figuring out what's broke in other people's lives.  But, what about our own?  What makes ME tick?  What are my underlying motives?  Why do I do what I do?  Why do I act loving to others?  Why do I do for others?  What's underneath?

Check this post out by Pete Wilson called "Desiring to be loved or seeking to love."  It's a dose of honesty.  When was the last time you got honest with yourself?

There is no "What's in it for me" motivation in God's love for you.  He makes sure He gives you all He has with no strings attached.  Do you love as you have been loved by Jesus?

Se dice que en el dolor esta el aprendizaje más puro y sincero, que para aprender a llevar la vida debes llevar golpes que jode y sangrar que da miedo... no aprendes nada bien si primero el conocimiento no pasa a lo arrecho por los sentidos

Let's begin with the situation itself... In fact, I think I won't write much commenting on this one, it wouldn't make any sense after all... So... A person (let's call her X, for simplicity) packs her things in the bag in school, with just 2 classes remaining... Her colleagues ask her whether she's leaving for home or not, she answers something like 'yes, 'cause I don't feel good, it's like the world is moving around in front of my eyes'... And she leaves the classroom... The first of the two remaining classes passes, without any remarkable thing... Headmaster's is the last class of the day on this Friday... The headmaster asks, who's missing, a colleague (Y) says that (beside others) X is missing... Headmaster asks why, Y replies something like 'she was seeing two things instead of one, so she went home'... The majority of the class begins to laugh hardly, in the end, also the headmaster... This is part one...

Just needed to make a break here, to comment two words on this... Some people allow themselves to be ironic with others, without even knowing what's behind the things... Ironic, just because the other one (in our situation X) is somewhat different, talks more, nerves perhaps the other one (Y) a bit more... And then, this Y allows herself to make fun of X, in front of the whole class, headmaster included... Well, as a complete outsider of this situation, I personally felt very hurt... And I wonder, how X might have felt, if she heard all this live...

Anyway, part two: The weekend passed quickly for us all... On Monday, yet another short incident... This X changes her place in the classroom (yet, I don't know the exact reasons)... During the day, I hear some conversations between Y and Z, that sound like '- I know I'm bad, but at least it will be silence here from now on... - I think I won't support this for long, even if it's not much since I'm in this situation...', and such things, accompanied by covered laughters... End of part two...

Well, this one still a bit more mysterious to me, so I won't comment much on this, I might be wrong here more easily... But... What does one solve with being rude to someone, or hurting someone? What's the point of all this human behaviour? I was talking here about a situation I'm not involved in, but I guess I could also write some like this about myself as well... So for those, who read this, and maybe ask, why I'm interested in others' everyday life, I am, because it could also reflect mine... But I'd never complain about myself even in the deepest situations, that's just me...

Sorry if it was too long, but it gets better and better... :P

T.

]]> http://littlelights.wordpress.com/?p=45 Mon, 06 Oct 2008 13:17:23 +0000 littlelights http://littlelights.no.wordpress.com/2008/10/06/in-the-deep/

I don't really know where to start. I haven't written for such a long time.. a combination of being busy, lots going on and not really being in the blogging mood. Which is why I haven't managed to keep one for so long.

So I got married last week... and this week my mother has had another of her episodes and is refusing to look at the photo album unless I delete certain pictures of people she doesn't like. I have refused. It was my wedding.. truly the happiest day of my life and the idea that my own mother can't see past a petty grievance to look at the photos... the idea that she will air her displeasure with me via her fucking facebook status (ffs!).. and that my step father is resorting to his old ways and supporting her at my expense..

... it just makes me feel 14 again. Maybe I'm 14 for good.