I think I'm getting sick.  
My throat feels all funny and it hurts and it's just not fun.
And next it will be something else, I'm sure.  It always starts out small and then gets to this terrible thing where it's like eerrrr, walking zombie.

I don't really have anything to talk about, I am sorry.  
I could go on and on about how this morning I was thinking about stuff and realized that it won't be for a very very long while that I'll be able to have anything like a real relationship.  Which, of course, kinda made me sad.
Or the fact that I realized that my episodes that I've had probably do qualify as manic ones.  
Or the part about how I zonked out on Benedryl last night (took some cuz of this throat thing) and couldn't figure out why it was so dark at 8:30 in the morning......Turns out it wasn't in the morning, but still night time.  I had fell asleep at like 6:30, and kept waking up  (like 4 different times) and so ya, it was weird.  

Just like I just said on MySpace, the future looks the blackest ever.
And it's not looking pretty.
Like the Pearl Jam song, "I know someday you'll have a beautiful life, I know you'll be a star, in somebody else's sky, but why, why, why can't it be, can't it be mine."  And then Marilyn Manson says "This tainted love that you've given....Take  my tears and that's not nearly all."  And in a different song of his "Babble, babble, bitch bitch, rebel, rebel, party party, sex, sex, sex, don't forget the violence..." And in a different song, "there's no time to discriminate, have every motherfucker that's in your way."  And how AIC says  "heaven beside you, hell within...I'm just see-through faded, super jaded, and out of my mind."  And how Seether says "then she told me she had a gun, it sounded like she'd used it once before on him..."  And how Bush says "I don't wanna come back down from this cloud, taken me all this time to find out what I need."  ANd how Pearl Jam says in a different song "After all is donw, and we're still alone, I won't be taken, yet I'll go... with my hands bound, I will walk, with my face blood,  I will walk with my shadow flag, into your garden, garden of stone."  And how Marilyn Manson, different song, says "we are the nobodies, we wanna be somebodies, when we're dead, they'll know just who we are."

I listen to music way too much.

So it's Saturday.  
I am lazy.  
Normal.

I woke up at like 7:15 this morning though....
SO annoying.  
It's Saturday, for pete's sake (whoever pete is, I'm sorry we always take your name in vain).  
I think my brain gets used to waking up early for school, and then it carries over into the weekend, so ya.  

Okay my brain is broken.
That and I have candy on the brain.
And I'm talking to Scott.  
So yes, I'm done.
For now.

So Sunday morning, I woke up feeling fine.  I didn't have a hangover or anything after all the alcohol.  Crazy.  I spent the day at the pub watching football.  The ex and I were talking over text about nothing.  We were back to being like we were in the beginning, and I thought everything was going great.  I was hitting on a girl I know and having fun again.  I decided I should probably start thinking about my thesis again.  Then I drank more instead.  Still, every thing was going great.  In a little over a week, I was so much better off than I had been, it was amazing.

Monday was about the same.  I went to class and watched a movie, talked to Jamie and Emily a lot.  I was back to work on Fat Camp.  The ex and I were still talking about nothing.  I could tell she was annoyed at the fact that other girls were writing on my facebook wall, but you know what, FUCK IT.  She dumped me.  I'm moving on.  I went to dinner with a beautiful girl and a good friend -- no, not like that, unfortunately. :)  After that, I hung out for a few more shots and then went back to the library.

Tuesday I spent the day at the library and going to class.  I slept in until about 1:00 in the afternoon, but that's not overly unusual for me.  I spent a lot of time on facebook, chatting with people.  I was asked on a date.  I said yes, but told her it would need to wait a week.  I did some drinking, but not a ton.  I was starting to feel a lot better.  Emily asked if I wanted to meet her in Lincoln for the weekend, and I told her I wasn't positive.  Still, I thought it could be fun. 

Wednesday, I was having a great day, until I got the stupidest message I've ever gotten on facebook.  The ex is obsessed with personality tests.  Emily had posted her personality type on wall one day, and apparently her type and my type are "natural partners."  It seemed pretty blatantly "you should be with Emily," which she's been trying to convince me for a while, even though she thinks all of my friends like emily are skinny, blonde, sororitutes who can't compete with her.  More or less, it's just her way of getting rid of me.  So we get into it over this stupid fucking message and I simply asked if she thought I was dating emily. She got totally pissed and wouldn't talk to me.  I tried to call her and she told me she didn't want to talk to me anymore.  Fucking amazing, really.  I can't say I even begin to understand what the fuck her problem is.  She dumped me.  I'm dating.  SHE'S DATING.  She's got the man she wanted to be with more than me, so she should just get off my fucking ass and go be happy.  He fits mommy and daddy's perfect little view of how things should be.  I don't.  The girls I surround myself with have more in common with me than she ever did.  I don't have to try to change who I am to make them happy.  I don't have to hide my time with them.  I don't have to worry that someone might see us hold hands.  I can put a pic of me and my friends on facebook without worrying about the backlash of "what if my parents see?" 

Sorry, didn't mean to rant there.

All I'm saying is this:  RECOVERY COMPLETE.  Although that probably doesn't mean what you think it does.

Am I over her?  No.

Part of me will always love her.  I've been infatuated with her for four fucking years.  I used to watch her sing and go home and smile to myself replaying the whole concert in my head.  I know what she was wearing the first time I saw her.  I know the foods she ordered on a lot of our dates.  I know the look she gets when she's dreaming.  I will never forget the smile on her face the first thing in the morning when she'd wake up and see me there.  I will probably always remember how she feels inside.  I can still hear the words "I love you" as she'd bite  my ear.  I remember so much and I will always treasure all of that.

At the same time, I remember the hurt and the pain.  I remember the first time she broke up with me and how fucking pissed off I got.  I remember all the nights she'd get drunk and say horrible things to me.  I remember every time she'd lie to me and think I didn't know.  I remember the first time she couldn't look me in the eye while talking about her friends in DSM.  I remember her birthday, when we were broken up but had sex like 18 times in 3 days.  How she kept telling me she loved me and wanted to have my babies, but then would tell me that it was never going to work and we shouldn't be together. 

The days after she told me she wanted to be with him were about recovery, but not about the kind of recovery where everything is healed.  They were about finding myself.  They were about accepting the truth.  They were about realizing I didn't have to bow down to her and not tell anyone that we had been together.  They were about realizing that there are WOMEN out there who want relationships, who want to have a shot at forever, who don't hold it against me that I have a past, because they understand that we all do.  Women who may hurt me just as much down the road, but who won't set out from the beginning knowing it's the only possible option. 

I will never fully get over her any more than my knee has ever fully healed from being dislocated three times.  I will inevitably meet someone, and I will fall again, and it might be the same or better or worse.  There will be days when I look back at what we had in anger and days when I look back and smile knowing that I had the opportunity to date one of the best friends I had ever had (until we started dating).  There will be days I might wonder how her life turned out or where she is now or whatever.  And there will be days I will lament the loss of what we shared. 

Still, I am better.  I have realized it was unhealthy.  I have realized it wasn't the love I imagined it to be.  I crashed and I burned, but in the ashes, I recovered and I will fly again.  It probably won't be tomorrow, but now I realize that it could be.

DHAKA, Bangladesh, October 1 (Compass Direct News) – Police have submitted a charge sheet to a district court accusing two persons of raping a pastor’s daughter in the village of Laksmipur, said a state prosecutor.

Sayed Tariqul Islam told Compass that police submitted the charge sheet on Sept. 7 based on an extensive investigation following a DNA test that turned out positive. Pastor Motilal Das, who has long received threats from villagers upset with his success as an evangelist, said that local residents gang-raped his 13-year-old daughter in an attempt to drive him from the area.

State prosecutor Islam said Shakil Ahmed Shebul and Dulal Miah are charged with raping Elina Das at 3 a.m. on May 2. If convicted, they will receive life terms in prison, he said.

“The DNA report is everything to prove them guilty, and I expect that they will be punished with life-term imprisonment,” said Islam.

Previously a medical college had submitted a false forensic test report indicating no evidence of sexual assault. Villagers in Laksmipur, in Fulbaria sub-district 120 kilometers (75 miles) north of Dhaka, believe relatives of the accused men paid off the Mymensingh Medical College Hospital Forensic Department to fabricate the false test results.

Pastor Das has said relatives of the alleged rapists have offered him a large sum of money to withdraw the case or settle out of court – while continuing to threaten him. He had found his daughter lying unconscious in front of his house early in the morning of May 2, he said, after five men from Mymensingh district raped her.

The charge sheet submitted by police and the positive DNA report state that the girl’s clothes were torn and marked with the semen of Shebul. A close neighbor of Pastor Das, Shebul applied for bail on Tuesday (Sept. 29), but the court refused to grant it, said Islam.

Miah remains at large. Local police inspector Tarapod Shikder told Compass that assiduous efforts were underway to arrest him.

Pastor Das told Compass that he was dismayed that the charge sheet did not require Shebul to be taken on remand by police for interrogation.

“If the arrested person was held on remand for interrogation, police would get more information regarding other rapists,” Pastor Das.

Inspector Shikder told him that police had already taken Shebul on remand for interrogation and obtained little information, Pastor Das said.

“Nonetheless,” Pastor Das said, “the charge sheet will help to heal the scars of my grief-stricken daughter if proper justice is done.”

Upset Neighbors

Defending the initial false DNA report, Forensic Department head Akhteruzzaman Talukder of Mymensingh Medical College Hospital had told Compass that he did not find any gang-rape injury or trace of forced sexual activity.

Pastor Das’s daughter “might have had a love affair with someone in the village,” Talukder said. “Her lover might have been guarded there by his several friends. When the family members came to know the incident, they cooked it up as gang rape.”

Pastor Das and Muslim villagers were extremely upset by the initial forensic report. He subsequently had his daughter’s clothes tested for DNA profiling at the National Forensic DNA Profiling Laboratory of Dhaka Medical College Hospital.

His Muslim neighbors, he said, consider the positive DNA test a ray of hope for proper judgment. Pastor Das acknowledged his gratitude to some of the village neighbors who gave him moral support during that time.

“I cannot express my gratitude in words to some of my Muslim neighbors in the village who gave me courage and moral support to go forward when I got the false forensic report from Mymensingh Medical College,” he said.

When Pastor Das initially went to police to file charges, he said, police were reluctant to register the case.

“Police told me that it was a false case,” he said. “They also said that it was a fabricated drama. Police spoke with my daughter in filthy language and showed prurient interest in the details of the incident in front of us rather than filing the case quickly.”

The U.S. Department of State’s 2008 International Religious Freedom Report, released in Sept. 19, notes that Bangladeshi government officials, “including the police, were often ineffective in upholding law and order and were sometimes slow to assist religious minority victims of harassment and violence.”

The day of the alleged rape, the U.S. Commission on International Religious Freedom announced annual recommendations for countries to be designated “Countries of Particular Concern,” but it did not include Bangladesh.

Rather, the commission put Bangladesh on its “Watch List” due to the nature and extent of violations of religious freedom engaged in or tolerated by the government. Other countries on the Watch List are Afghanistan, Belarus, Cuba, Egypt, Indonesia and Nigeria.

According to USCIRF, Islamist radicalism and violence, the threat of serious violence and continued discrimination against members of religious minority communities remain significant concerns in Bangladesh.

Story from Compass Direct News

OtherPastor (who is retired and now runs a memorial business) gets back Sunday night.  The funeral is Monday. I have to do the planning and liturgy writing for a service where I am not really wanted.  I told the widow that as minister to the congregation that is saying goodbye, I would like to read the scripture and offer a prayer. "well, Ok, but we really want Rev. OtherPastor to lead the service.  You can pray if you have to, I suppose."  

Furious that after 2 1/2 years, the old guard still does not consider me to be their pastor.  Furious that the worship committee thought I would be Ok with it (hello education moment at our next meeting).  But, this is not about me, but ministering to a family (who has gradually pulled back from the church in the past several years) in crisis.  While the children have pulled away, the man who died and his wife are there very week.  Until he was not able to climb into the bell tower, he rang the bell every week.  He stopped doing this every week, while I was away.  There will be a moment Sunday morning when I look up to nod to him to ring the bell, to call us to worship, and he will not be there.  And I will give thanks for his long life of faithful service.  Because that's what this is about.  

Trying really hard to be gracious,

KP

And in the spirit of trying to see things from another angle and focus on the positive, I am thankful tonight for a new, cute haircut; parents who love me and support me, good friends, a 4 year-old who was excited to see me today, a paycheck, ice-packs, my kitties, and of course, kleenex.

I guess its pretty obvious that we had a huge, huge fun working on this :D

Well so... the above is our finished mindmap :) Using photoshop as the device we tried to make our design look like a collage work, while maintaining the whole worn-out kind of texture which is one of the characteristics of retro art we admire. We decided to integrate the colours into sepia, to enhance the grungy texture and to bring out the mood of "back in time".

And it's necessary for me to say that Zumra's trained photoshop skills made these things possible :) 

To find out the decorative elements for this wallpaper, we went through numerous pictures and documents.These processes for creating the mindmap helped us to get to know deeper about "retro" which as well helped us with the concept we were to bring out of.

--yuki

That's right.  I just finished the first draft of HIGH COURTS OF HELL.  

Total word count: 97,994

Began: April 9, 2008

Finished September 25, 2008

So, what am I going to do now?  

I'm not going to begin work on a new Jacky book (though I really, really want to.  I have some damn fine ideas.)  I am going to continue working on rewriting CHOSEN and SOMNUS and mushing them into the awesomeness that will be DEALING WITH DEMONS.  With luck, I will have the rewriting finished before 2009.  I so seriously doubt it, but it's good to have goals.

I am going to begin researching the Knights Templar for a new series that's been wandering around in my head for years.  This will coincide quite nicely with preparing and planning for NanoWrimo.  Instead of writing a whole book start to finish, I'm going to simply begin this knight book.  If I finish it all in one month, that'd be bloody awesome, but highly unlikely.  I'd be happy settling for 50,000 words.  Which is about half a novel.  

Yep, those are my plans.  Let's see if I can't muster up some enthusiasm for rewriting. (Gag me with roughage.  I hate rewriting/revising/editing.)

Well everyone, it seems as if one of the gaming industry's greatest annoyances has been dealt with...for good. I'm not going to go on and on about what I think....I have the court documents for you here to look at for yourself! It tells the story perfectly well enough without my 2 cents needing to be added. Keep reading for the 4-page official disbarment.

[gallery]

Add to: | Technorati | Digg | del.icio.us | Yahoo | BlinkList | Spurl | reddit | Furl |

Next on the agenda.......

Actually I don't know what's next. 
All I know is that I need plans. 
I need a format to take over things.
Plans and ideas are great, but then I'll need to implement these things.  And that's the hard part. 
But, first, have to come up with the plans.
We were watching Criminal Minds last night and there was this terrorist group that bombed the dudes' car.  We didn't get to see that part at the beginning though, this was like the second half of an episode.  Anyway, they were going to blowup a hospital.  And the bomb was gonna be in the ambulance they used to get the people to the hospital.  Sorry if you have no idea what I'm talking about, it's hard to explain when I don't know more about it than that.  All I know is that there was this group of "terrorists" and they were doing things that they figured the police/FBI would think of one way - which isn't what they were really doing it for.  They led the police and the other people to think of it one way, when they really meant it a different way.  And they got away with it.  Almost.  Of course in real life, they probably would have gotten away with it - the people on TV always get to react faster than the ones in real life.  Sadly, but I'm pretty sure it's true.

We finished watching "Rope" which is an ALfred Hitchcock movie in Film class today.  There were these two guys who killed a guy, hid him in a trunk in the living room, and had a party right afterwards, trying to hide the murder.  Which they committed just for the fun of it, just to get the experience, to see if they could get away with it.  And it was really funny, because they almost did.  But no, the one guy kept acting guilty.  And then, of course, that makes it so he appears to be guilty.  And then, of course, the one guy gets caught.  And that's just wonderful.  Because they almost got away with it.  But if they had, oh the perfect muder.
They should have gotten away with it.
They really should have.
It would be glorious. 
But they got caught. 
And then, well, that's just sad. 

Ya, I dont' think I'm quite into that.
I am for some people, but not all.
And by "that", I mean murder of them because they don't appear to be any good or of any worth.  I'm not going to go that far, but I will say that there are people who should be made to work and do things instead of sitting around and doing nothing.
I think I fit in the doing nothing category.  I really think that I do.  I don't meant to, and it's not my fault, but I think I fit there. Because I do nothing all day.  Nothing of real importance anyway.  I mean, sure stuff gets done.  For other people.  I don't do much that is worthwhile in my mind.  Other than my blogging and such.  That is about it.  The rest of my time is divided by others.
I have been taking time out of my classes (when I can get away with it) to write.  In a notebook.  I need to do that more.  I need to record things more.  Not like literally record, but like write record.  I need to do that so that way I can prove what is going on.  And that is very important, you see.  So I have been doing that a bit.  It's nice.  A bit awkward when I wanna write about all this gory stuff, but I guess I'll have to either write it out or keep it in my head for later.  And since if I don't get it out it only escalates, I'd better get it out then, on paper, and then hide as well as I can. 

I shall share sometime, I think. 
Maybe. 
I haven't decided yet. 
But I think it would be good, to share my writings from just random with you.  You might get a little insight as to what I have in mind.
Well, what is on my mind, anyway.
And, of course, I probably shouldn't be thinking those types of things, simply because, well, they are not right to be thinking about.  Not perverted.  Not really anyway.  More like sick and sadistic.
Oh well.

Done...

Done..!

Done!

Done!!

DONE!!!!

Guess what?! I'm DONE! My project is sitting in an office somewhere, and hopefully it'll get to where it needs to get to. :)

Time for me to go eat some ice cream and do some fun stuff!

(Also having written done that many times it now just looks like the wrong spelling.)

And I love how the formatting for this looks great when I'm in edit mode but goes crazy when its actually posted *eye roll*

Either way, I started my new project thingymabob yesterday.
Hasn't gotten very far, of course, but it'll get there.
I'm hoping.  
I'll add a link in the blogroll soon.  Like, right after I post this post.

Haven't called that place yet.
Will do tomorrow - don't think they'd be open on Sundays...It is a place in Flo-town afterall...

I had a weird dream last night.
But I can't remember who was in it.
Someone who it's weird for me to have a dream about, but I can't remember them.
Or what happened.
Maybe it wasn't last night, but the night before.
I don't know, they're all mixed together.

I hate that it's Sunday.
I'm not ready for Monday.  
Because Monday means I have to wake up and get up and go to the institution of HELL.  
I mean school.........
I already got woke up at like 4 this  morning by my stupid cat...Stupid cat.  Then I kept getting woke up.

Oh oh oh!!
Funny strory, other than it's super creeeeeepy.
So, at like midnight last night, a bit before then, I was taking pictures with my cellphone and a flashlight - I was bored, DUR.  And so then all of a sudden there's weird noises outside.  Then there's this guy like, yelling.  He didn't say anything, just yelling. No idea why.  It sounded pretty close, but figured it was at the neighbors house (the houses are fairly far apart, so it's hard to tell how far it was anyway).  And then there was some pounding, like on a door, like someone wouldn't let him in, you know.  It was weird, cuz it happened again two minutes or so later.
Weeeiiiirrrrdness.  

So, I guess that's all.
Should work on my calc. homework.  
Already did, but I ain't done yet....
I hate not having due-dates for stuff in that class.  Means I don't have to finish it for any day, means it will take me FOREVER to get shit done.  Which is terrrrrible.  
Right?